reverie

who more than self their country loved

2011-07-18T20:33:00.005-05:00

In 1982 I was blessed not only to be born in the greatest nation on God's green earth, but also during the presidency of one of the greatest men in American history--Ronald Wilson Reagan. While I was only 6 years old when Reagan left office, I remember his presidency. I remember knowing even as a young girl that this was a great man.

If you've ever talked politics with me, I've probably mentioned that I've been into it since I was 6. I distinctly remember our 1st grade class vote in 1988 between Bush and Dukakis. But when I really think about it, my interest in politics started before that. It started with Reagan.

Under Reagan, America was a nation that didn't apologize for being exceptional, nor pretend we were on a level playing field with any other country. As a little girl, I dreamt that maybe one day I'd be president--the first woman to accomplish that feat. My dad encouraged me that I could do it, and I think Reagan made me believe that it was a thing worth doing.

I haven't had that dream for awhile, mainly due to disillusionment in the political process, but to be honest I still like that it's a possibility. Now, though, I hope and pray that before I'm 35 (before I'm 31 really) that the possibility ceases to exist. And the woman I hope to change it all is Sarah Palin. I'd be happy to have the possibility end with her.

Palin, much like Reagan, embodies greatness. She is wise, strong, and has a servant's heart. Palin has the grace, wits, character, and fortitude to bring America back from the brink. I believe she is the only one for the job, just like Reagan was after Carter had mucked up our fine country. I can only hope that Palin feels and heeds the call to run and serve America in 2012. By the grace of God, if she enters, I believe she will win and I intend to do what I can to work toward her, and most importantly America's, victory.

Run, Sarah, run!

within the fragile substance of my soul

2011-05-22T13:17:00.003-05:00

I decided last week that 2011 was my arch-nemesis. This is not a title I offer lightly, but rather one that 2011 was insistent upon claiming.

At the end of January a job I loved ended; I was fortunate enough to find another job quickly, and during the first week at that job my lovely little kiwi green Ford Focus met an untimely end when it was crashed into and totaled while parked at the office . . . 9 days before my birthday. The ensuing nightmare with the negligent driver's insurance company is still ongoing. 2011 has not been shy with it's havoc-wreaking, but that is the most glaring example of its cruelty.

Intellectually, I have had the capacity to recognize that the upheavals I've been facing can be redeemed for God's purposes. My car getting totaled became an opportunity to get out of my car loan, and make wiser financial choices. In my head I could see that God was at work, but it wasn't until this morning that I realized my heart hasn't seen it. My heart has been sad and frustrated and angry. Surely God could find gentler ways to direct my path this year.

This morning at church I realized it doesn't matter. Whether it's explosive or gentle, what really matters is that God cares about my path at all. I haven't had confidence in that. I haven't had confidence that I am Christ's beloved. My heart had forgotten it.

All the intellectual awareness in the world doesn't do one bit of good if my heart can't remember who I am in Christ and who I am to Him. If I forget that Christ was forsaken so that I will NEVER be, then it becomes impossible to revel in the things God is building for me in 2011, regardless of how He chooses to build them.

Don't get me wrong, I think it's okay and even healthy & necessary to be sad when things in our lives get turned upside-down, so long as we don't remain there. Outside of our sadness, it becomes possible to recognize that upside-down to us may be right-side up to God. And He cares enough to turn our worlds upside down for our benefit.

As we quickly approach the mid-way point of 2011, it is my prayer that the remainder of the year will be filled more with reaping the benefits of the work God has been doing than with additional topsy-turviness. But I also pray that my heart would see God at work & revel in it, no matter the form it takes.

my phone chooses "tabor" when I mean "tacos"

2011-02-07T19:50:00.006-06:00

The image below comes from my new favorite website. This one in particular had me cracking up!

Pepto Pistol!

I'm pretty sure "nudnik" is going to become my new universal insult.

Bad driver = "Ugh, that guy is a real nudnik."

Moron = "She's a complete nudnik."

Epic Fail = "Wow, you really nudnik'd that."

The possibilities are . . . nudnik. ;)

the stars at night are big and bright

2011-02-03T16:52:00.002-06:00

I have now lived in Texas for just over a year now. I love Texas; it fits me. But until recently I was woefully lacking in something that all good Texans need--cowboy boots! :) Ever since I decided that I would be moving to Texas, I had an overwhelming desire to own pink cowboy boots.

And then for Christmas my sister gave me money for a boot shopping trip! So in late December, my sister, our friend Ashlee, and I ventured out to buy boots. Having researched pink cowboy boots online several times, I had a pretty good idea of what I wanted. I checked out all the styles the store had to offer, found the 1 I liked, tried them on, and bought them.

Here they are--my delightful, lovely, pink cowboy boots!

Now all I really need is a gun and I'll be able to call myself a proper Texan! :)

we are the kings and queens of promise

2011-02-02T11:36:00.005-06:00

My love for Jared Leto and his band 30 Seconds to Mars has been made fairly well-known here. What I haven't yet shared is how I got to meet Jared Leto...

On September 9, 2009 the band put out a cryptic message on Twitter about previewing new music from their upcoming album "This Is War" which at the time had not yet been released. I was eager to hear new music. The meeting place was at Hollywood & Highland at noon. Luckily, it was close enough to where I used to work that I could check it out on my lunch break.

I arrived there and met up with some other 30 Seconds to Mars street team members and street team leaders I had worked with throughout the summer. I wasn't sure what to expect. We waited for a little while and then a black Cadillac CTS sport sedan drove up. Shannon Leto, Jared's brother and drummer for 30 Seconds to Mars, was driving. That was exciting on its own, but then I looked in the passenger seat, did a double take, and sure enough Jared Leto was in the car as well! The excitement caused me to stop breathing and my heart to skip a beat.

The brothers Leto got out of the car and invited a few of us at a time to sit in Shannon's Cadillac and preview "Kings and Queens," the upcoming first single from "This Is War." When it was my group's turn I sat in the rear passenger side. Shannon started the song & blasted the volume. Jared stood outside of the car right next to my window watching our reactions, drumming on the window, and singing along with his precious new creation. It was magical. After the song was over, both Leto men asked our opinions, thanked us for coming, and hugged each of us.

I was on cloud 9! Not only had I gotten to preview new music from 30 Seconds to Mars, for which I had been waiting for nearly 3 years, but the music I heard was astounding, it included background vocals that I had gotten to be a part of earlier that year, AND I got to meet & hug the one and only Jared Leto and his equally delightful brother Shannon. :)

By the time that happened I already knew I was moving away from LA. Some people told me I shouldn't move away because I'd miss out on opportunities like that. I told them, that was the last opportunity I really needed/wanted out of the city. I had sincerely hoped I would have the chance to meet Jared Leto before leaving LA, and with that complete I was even more ready to move to Texas. :)

felix Februarius!

2011-02-01T17:30:00.004-06:00

Happy first day of February!

This is a joyous occasion as it means we are through with January, which is well-documented to be the worst month of the year, and we are onto a month full of delight & promise.

February 2011 waltzes in with a forecast for snow in Houston (rare and thus magical & wonderful in this region), a flight booked to see my dear friend Shauna, the return of baseball, a new job possibility, and of course my birthday!

February does carry with it many additional happy events, but as I have enumerated them previously I shall refrain from repeating them.

This February also ushers forth my return to blogging, as I simply could not miss out on my tradition of extolling the virtues of this beloved month. And soon you can expect to hear of many tales that have gone untold in my absence. As a preview, pink cowboy boots, Jared Leto, and perhaps rifles will be involved in upcoming posts, but not all at once. :)

Have a wonderful February & watch for flying monkeys!

unlucky #2

2010-08-18T01:24:00.003-05:00

At the beginning of the baseball season, my favorite player Jacoby Ellsbury walked onto the field with a new number. I didn't like it. I wasn't happy about it. I had no particular attachment to his old number in and of itself, but something inside me said switching your number is a terrible plan.

With number 2 on his back Ellsbury has spent almost the entire season on the disabled list due to broken ribs sustained while colliding with another player on an attempt to catch a ball in foul territory. Neither of them caught the ball. That's about all that can be said for the new number.

With number 46 on his back Ellsbury walked onto the field a baby player and quickly became one of my favs. Game 6 of the 2007 ALCS, with very little experience in the Majors, Ells was thrown into a high pressure postseason position as starting center fielder. He performed so well that he started every remaining postseason game, up through the Red Sox's 2nd World Series win since the curse was broken.

With number 46 on his back Ells earned the lead-off spot in the Red Sox batting order. He became a king of stolen bases, even stealing home against the Yankees! And he caught many seemingly uncatchable balls as they sank a little too quickly in center field. Ells was electric for the Red Sox.

But now with number 2 on his back, tomorrow we will likely find out if Ellsbury will be out for the remainder of the season. I hope not. But regardless of when Ells walks back on the field, I'd love for him to be in his old jersey.

Typically I try not to buy into sports superstitions, but I think the facts speak for themselves in this case.

No Excuses June

2010-05-31T23:47:00.004-05:00

I'm officially declaring this month, "No Excuses June."

I don't know about you, but there are more than enough things in my life that get put off til "tomorrow." And somehow before I know it weeks or months have passed and that "tomorrow" of productivity never seems to arrive. Well not this month!

This month I am setting reasonable & achievable mini-goals and I am determined to cut out excuses & be a better steward of my time. I frequently feel too busy or too tired, and no doubt working toward opening a restaurant is no small task in addition to the normal stuff of life, but I am also aware that enough of my time is spent less productively than it could be.

So, for June I am making the following goals.
1. re-organize my bedroom & keep it that way
2. work out 3 times a week
3. cook more frequently & when eating out is necessary, make healthy choices
4. write 1 letter a week--real, honest-to-goodness snail mail
5. get back to journaling--at least 4 times a week

I will keep you updated on how these mini-goals are going and at the beginning of next month I'll let you know how I plan to build on these goals.

What things in your life would you like to work on in June? Start out small enough to make it achievable and remember, no excuses! :)

an open letter to umpire Joe West

2010-04-08T20:34:00.004-05:00

Dear Joe West,

I find it troubling and disappointing (you might say "a disgrace to baseball") that an umpire crew chief would make the kind of pace of game remarks that you did regarding the first Red Sox/Yankees series of the 2010 season. A more productive use of your time would be making sure that you and your crew are getting calls right, rather than worrying about the pace of the game or denying batters on both teams brief timeouts.

You wonder why "two of the best teams in baseball" are also "playing the slowest." Have you considered the possibility that a correlation exists there? Perhaps being the best means concentrating more on playing a great game than worrying about how long it takes. Besides the fact that these were just the first 3 games of the year and everyone is just getting back into the groove of the long season.

I realize that pace of game issues are typically related to getting more fans due to the misguided notion that more people don't watch because games take too long. This is certainly a fallacy. Were the 3 games of the Red Sox/Yankees series in question not sold out? Do those fans not matter? Do fans like I who just enjoy a good game not matter? Do the people who've been a part of Fenway selling out for over 500 games in a row not matter?

I find your remarks particularly concerning as more than once in extra innings situations, I've seen umpires seemingly expand or contract strike zones just in order to finish games and go home. Given your comments, I feel as if you're confirming that umpires care more about pace than the integrity of this great sport. How completely disappointing, especially since bad or hasty umping can completely affect the outcome of a game. Do you think that's going to garner more fans? All that will accomplish is disheartening die hard fans and discouraging new fans.

I wonder if you or anyone else in baseball really thinks that someone who can't sit through a 4 hour game would be willing to stick it out for a 7 month (plus) long season or hang on for 86 years between championships. Being a baseball fan takes heart, endurance, and patience. Being an umpire takes nothing less.

I greatly appreciate that you've dedicated over 30 years of your life to umpire our national pastime, but if you can no longer appreciate the game, the players, or the avid fans perhaps it's time to retire.

Sincerely,
Azina

strawberry fields forever

2010-03-31T20:28:00.002-05:00

Today I went strawberry picking with my sister & her kids. I think it was the first time I had ever gone, save for a berry here or there in the ginormous garden my grandma used to have in her backyard. It was rather delightful. I love being able to do things like that with my sister & nieces & nephews. Surprisingly way more berries ended up in our buckets than in the children's tummies, so really quite a successful outing. And just in case you're wondering, yes the strawberries are as sweet & delicious as they look! :)

welcome to birthday month! aka February :)

2010-02-01T23:47:00.002-06:00

In keeping with tradition, happy February! It is officially the best month of the year. In fact this month had proven to be so delightful in history that the ancient Romans cut it short so as to prevent Roman subjects from being too joyful, which as everyone knows could have led to pipe dreams such as overthrowing praetors, consuls, emperors, and the like. In fact they knew they were playing it fast & loose by adding even 1 extra day every four years, but the earth's orbit around the sun necessitated it, February was already unique, and it offended their sensibilities to adjust any of the other months. (Any and/or all of the preceding "facts" may or may not be entirely accurate, save for February being the best month of the year--that's been scientifically proven.)

For all the amazing attributes that February has, and there are many, which you can read about in my previous first day of February posts, it is astounding to me that I've completely overlooked one of the biggest! February marks the end of football! How exciting is that?? I'll tell you, it's very exciting! :) And the end of football means that the beginning of baseball is right around the corner. I mean, it really doesn't get much better than that, or does it?

In fact it does because it means my birthday is coming! hip hip hooray! :)

2010 goals-- an update

2010-01-31T23:57:00.002-06:00

It's the last day of January & I'm pleased to report that progress has been made on several of my goals for the year. :)

launch IV
We have completed 2 orders for IV, we have 2 more coming up this week, we've made some business cards, and our website is underway. I'm rather pleased with the progress we're making! :)

get in better shape
uhh...look over there, a flying monkey! watch out! okay, so no progress to report here yet. I will keep you updated.

do more crafty things
I tacked a blue ribbon horizontally across the length of one of my walls & using tiny clothespins I have hung from it various photos cards, and tickets from previous concerts & baseball games & snowboarding adventures. I find it quite delightful.

find a church
prior to moving to Texas I did some research on churches & found one that looked very promising. I have now attended that church 3 weeks in a row & am pleased to say that it has been fantastic! barring any unforeseen weirdness, I plan on continuing to attend this church. :)

find a job
I start training on a new job tomorrow!

date
oh my goodness! another flying monkey over there! beware! ;)

write more letters
I have written & sent notes to a couple of friends in LA. And I have another note written that has not gone out just yet. And many more notes/cards/letters planned on my to do list!

I'm excited to say that it seems I've set achievable goals and make progress on many of them. There is still much to do--on some goals more than others, but it's definitely manageable! I shall endeavor to keep you in the loop of things. :)

where are all your friends?

2010-01-30T21:32:00.002-06:00

A few days ago my 3-year-old nephew asked me, "Aunt Azina, where are all your priends?" His f's tend to come out as p's. And he has this uncanny knack for saying rather perceptive things, though I doubt he is really aware of his profundity. I explained to him that all of my friends live in other places, and we agreed that I need to make some new friends now that I live in Texas. After all, he wants my friend to come over to "his house" and visit him. I can't help but find that adorable. Though, any potential new friends may not find is so adorable when he tries to headbutt them or use them as a road for his trucks. ;) Oh, the world of young boys...

The meeting friends thing is kind of a tough one & something that really just takes time. I'm okay with that most days because I spend a lot of time with my sister and the 4 most adorable children on the planet, but I do lately feel a desire for the process to hasten and it's all because of February. I won't spoil my upcoming annual first day of February post for you, but as you probably know by now, among its many delightful attributes, February is my birthday month. Birthday celebrations almost undoubtedly require some friend-type individuals in one's relative vicinity.

I think that, coupled with the fact that I really don't know Houston very well yet has left me at a loss for how I want to celebrate this year. Normally by now I would have oodles of plans in the works & would have to whittle them down to something feasible & manageable. I kind of hate how when you're an adult you have to plan your own birthday stuff, which may sound odd given my love of penchant for planning, but sometimes it'd just be nice to have someone else plan a day of birthday delight. At any rate, right now there are no Fake Asia Nights or trips to favorite restaurants or girlie days or nose piercings planned. Of course my nose is already pierced, so it's not like that's something I would be planning again.

So I guess I'll send it out to the interwebs--anyone out there know of something that would be wonderful to do in Houston on my birthday? If you're the winning suggestion, maybe I'll send you cookies, so make it good! :)

forgotten bits

2010-01-15T16:18:00.002-06:00

This week as I unpacked one of the few remaining boxes from my move, I came across some writing I had done for a script about 5 years ago. Such discoveries often induce eye rolling, laughter, or even embarrassment, but I was delighted to find that I still like much of what I had written so much so that I want to continue working on that script & am inspired to write more altogether.

It's somewhat inconceivable to me how much of our lives & ourselves we forget. I cannot really recall setting pen to paper 5 years ago & writing the things I recently rediscovered. I don't remember carrying around that 1 1/2 inch black binder with loose leaf paper and a blue pen. I don't remember opening it up, turning to a fresh page, and jotting in cursive ideas for scenes, character names, and bits of dialogue. And yet, next to my bookcase (next to because it's too tall for the shelves) sits that black binder, a piece of my life & thoughts that I had completely set aside & left behind. With as many items as I discarded prior to moving, I'm glad somehow that I did not accidentally throw out that old writing.

Nestled between the bits of script were a few poems. Here's the one I like the most.

It wasn't the kind of sunrise
people paint masterpieces of
or even desire to share with the one they love

It wasn't the kind of sunrise
to captivate the skies
or about which anyone writes

But it was the kind of sunrise
that made the birds sing

I stood there waiting for the moment
when the sky would burst into the brilliant display
I had been looking for
But the dawn came gently that morning
A soft touch of pink and the fading moon
the only indicators of its arrival

Yet the birds sang on
No less excited to greet this day
than any other

As the night gracefully bowed to the day
over this city of questionable angels
I thought to myself
Maybe the birds know more than we do...

2010-01-15T00:35:00.002-06:00

Tonight I caught up on a couple of shows I had DVR'd & was disappointed by both of them because of their all too lifelike portrayals of romantic relationships in turmoil. I found myself wishing for some good ole sappy romantic crap. I share this with you now because honestly I was a bit astonished by this. I am a sincere romantic, but 7 or so years ago I all but entirely swore off of Hollywood's depiction of romance due to its hollow & unrealistic nature. And yet tonight I realized I was in a place where a dose of sappiness would have been just dandy.

I dare not dive too deeply into this or strain to derive too large a meaning from it, but I do think it is a result of happiness. This is not to say that in the last 7 years I have never been happy, that would be patently false, but I am in a very good place right now. I'm excited about all the possibilities life in Texas holds, and I think I am opposed to anything that might burst my bubble right now--even if it is just a sappy tv romance bubble. ;)

goals/projects for 2010

2010-01-13T17:58:00.002-06:00

November and December looked like this for me:
2 weeks in Texas
2 weeks in India
2 weeks in Texas
2 weeks in Omaha

Now I'm back to Texas for the foreseeable future & it's time to get settled in & get some things going. For the record, I love living in Texas. A lot of this has to do with how awesome it is to live with family, but also I feel like Texas fits me better. I liked living in LA, but I'm certainly more Texan than I could ever be Californian.

I'm excited for all the possibilities that living in Texas holds and seeing as I'm starting a new year living in a new place it seemed like a good time to come up with some goals. So here is what I'm striving toward in 2010.

~ launch IV--for those don't know, IV is the name of the restaurant venture my sister & I are working on. that's 4 Roman Numeral style. we're nerds, what'd you expect?

~ get in better shape

~ do more crafty things--art projects, not devious activities ;)

~ find a church

~ find a job

~ date--I'll have to see what God has in mind here, but I'm hopefully looking forward to some nice Texas men in the near future :)

~ write more letters--it's way more fun to get real mail & I don't want to let this largely discarded art to completely die out

That's it for now. Of course 2010 will hold far more activities & plans than what I've listed so far, but I think those are worthwhile & busying enough tasks to start to work toward.

I wish everyone a wonderful & blessed year. Whatever you dream for this year, I pray that God gives you His best--whether that's a yes, a no, or a not yet. He will take you on a path that's far better than anything you could have imagined, even if/when things seem to be going horribly wrong. It is in the "horribly wrong" times that He is closer than you think & they are often when we grow the most. May you be aware of God's presence & love for you through all the circumstances--great & not-so-great--that this year will bring. Love & blessings to you all and always be sure to watch for flying monkeys!

Texas wins Christmas

2009-12-21T00:28:00.011-06:00

One of my favorite things to do this time of year is to drive around looking at Christmas lights. While I am a fan of tasteful & fairly traditional decorations, few things delight & amuse me more than garish displays of holiday cheer. Here are a few of the Christmas highlights from my new neighborhood.

giant inflatable Santa & penguin

inflatable lighthouse with a snowman & Santa

inflatable Noel with a snowman & Santa

inflatable Santa riding a tractor!

Nascar snowmen...if this didn't make me laugh so much I'd probably be a little sad.

Santa being pulled by flamingos...uhh...

most giant inflatable ever

ho ho ho!
dreidel, dreidel, dreidel!

Merry Christmas Texas-style!

I hope you are all having wonderful Christmas seasons! This can be such a fun & magical time of the year and I hope that the celebration of Christ's birth reinvigorates your life with a sense of awe, joy, and hope--all things for which God is the true source. Much love & merriness to all of you! :)

since we last met

2009-11-15T04:09:00.001-06:00

It's been too long since I've stopped by here. It's ridiculously early in the morning & I should be finishing up packing for India & try to catch a few hours sleep, but I decided I'd rather stop by here instead since I will likely be without internet for the next 2 1/2 weeks.

Much has transpired in the last month. Here are some of the more notable happenings.

- was sick for much of my final 2 weeks in Los Angeles--the apex of which was a bout with tonsillitis. I'm happy to say that I won, but not before a trip to the worst doctor ever, $60 worth of Chinese herbs being pushed on me, tears of pain & frustration, and finally a prescription for an antibiotic which cleared things up almost entirely after only 2 doses.

- moved from Los Angeles to Texas. Said goodbye to some of the most amazing people in the world and embarked on a new life chapter. I'm still kind of waiting for the full reality to hit me. Prior to the move there were 3 tear-filled moments--telling the staff for my church's cafe that I was leaving, telling my roomie, and telling one of my best friends. But there haven't been any tears since I left. On the one hand that's great & helps confirm that this is the right decision. But on the other hand, let's face it, I'm a crier so it's bound to happen sooner or later, after all as good & right as this move was, it's still quite a big life change. In pursuing one path & a new set of opportunities, I have made a decision to close the door on another, to miss out on certain events & moments with beloved friends, to leave a wonderful church, and to step down from a ministry that I helped build. Given how busy this time of year is, however, I don't think the processing of this all will really happen until sometime in January. We shall see.

- speaking of busyness--India. starting over in Texas presented me with a unique opportunity to travel to India with my dad as I do not have to ask for time off from anyone. Since it is already Sunday morning, we leave tonight. My oldest niece (who is nearly 7) is going with us. This will be my first trip to India in nearly 16 years. It has been far too long. I am not particularly looking forward to the flying part--I dislike flying & the flight is far too long to even contemplate--I am very excited to get back to India. I'm told much has changed in my family's hometown. I'm curious to see it. I hope it has not become too Western & too unrecognizable.

- Prior to leaving LA I got to see Flyleaf with my dear friend Dan, my brother, and new friend Shanna. It was such an amazing show & a great way to cap off one of my last nights in town.

- I've been in TX for about 2 weeks now. It's been wonderful getting to spend so much time with my sister, brother-in-law, and nieces & nephews. It's a bit loud & crazy at times, but I couldn't imagine anything better.

Alright, I've taken more than enough of a break! I will be back from India in early December. I will do my best to post quickly upon my return. If you're lucky, you may even get a photo update. :)

is Obama planning to commit treason against the US?

2009-10-18T00:22:00.000-05:00

the familiar flavor of fall

2009-09-03T02:37:00.000-05:00

It may be a million degrees in LA right now, but I can say for sure that fall is here! Starbucks says so . . . the pumpkin spice latte is back! hazaa! :) Certainly one of my favorite yearly events. I enjoyed my first psl of the season tonight & many others will surely follow. mmm :)

2009-08-22T23:57:00.001-05:00

I hope to never see Brad Penny in a Red Sox uniform again. What a pathetic excuse for a pitcher. There's absolutely no excuse for having a starter who can almost always guarantee a loss. So glad to be getting Tim Wakefield back this week. If you know me well, you know that's saying A LOT as I'm not particularly a Wake fan. That just goes to show you how absolutely terrible Penny is. Now let's just hope Penny is the one ousted from the rotation.

In other Red Sox news, we took Yankee pitcher Burnett for a ride this afternoon! Few things delight me more than my boys beating up on Burnett. Not sure why, just really dislike him. And our baby starter--Tazawa who's 23 & was pitching in only his 3rd major league start--shut out the Yankees for 6 innings!

This was a fantastic turn of events after losing all of our last 5 matches against the Yanks including last night's horrendous (hopefully last) outing from Penny. Let's hope that was our last loss to the Yankees for 2009...

2009-08-19T23:45:00.001-05:00

Nearly 4 years ago I had a dream about the frustrating dance that can be male/female interactions. A friend on whom I had a crush at the time and I were the starring players in this dream. At this point I don't remember many specific details save for the following as I had made note of it at the time.

I was startled awake from the dream just as my friend shouted, "I'm in love with you and I'm terrified!" Quite a thing to try to wrap your mind around upon waking. Of course not having transpired in reality there's no particular need to parse out the meaning of such an exclamation. But now so many years later having run across what I had jotted down about the dream at the time, I do have thoughts on it. And guess what, you get to hear them! I know, you're feeling very lucky right now. ;)

I genuinely desire that kind of love. A love that is so strong and amazing that it can also be completely frightening. And not in a bad or immobilizing sort of way, but in a way that you are so filled with it that you daren't screw it up. A love that is willing to take on the responsibility of what it really means to be a provider for a wife & eventual family. A love that says I will work for you, fight for you no matter what it takes--blood, sweat, & tears when necessary. A love that recognizes sometimes all 3 will be necessary & stands up mightily regardless. A love that reflects agape as much as is humanly possible. And it is a love I greatly desire to return.

Being the one inside my subconscious I can tell you that is how it was meant in the dream, even though it never did & never will translate into real life with that particular man. I hope that God will not take too much longer to bring me to the man He does have in mind for me.

Dear football, please go away!

2009-08-13T21:27:00.000-05:00

In a perfect world football season would only be 2 months long and would not overlap baseball season. Actually in a perfect world football would not exist, but I'm being kind(ish) to my football loving friends. Is it just me or does football keep starting earlier & earlier every year? All I know is that it's not even September yet and we've got plenty of good baseball left, so football can just shut it & go away for awhile (or forever). Thanks.

2009-08-06T02:36:00.000-05:00

If heaven had a flavor it would be Red Velvet Cheesecake. Wow. Get thee to a Cheesecake Factory & try some today!

to blank with love

2009-08-05T00:40:00.000-05:00

As promised!

To Shark Week with love, I have a sick fascination with you despite the fact that you FREAK ME OUT! eek! I'm pretty sure any nerves I had built up to consider trying surfing are now completely shot. d'oh! Still, I will continue to watch all week. It's messed up, I know.

To MLB Network with love, you offer me a delightful daily dose of baseball. You wrap me in your arms when I arrive home from work & guide me around America's ballparks. If you were a man I'm pretty sure I'd have to marry you.

To Twitter with love, okay I give in, I admit it, I love you. I tried to fight it, but I truly enjoy you.

To 30 Seconds to Mars with love, your new album is tantalizingly close to releasing. It is long awaited & I'm excited to hear the final product as well as finally see you on tour again! I am giddy as I think about it. :)

To chipotle peppers/flavored foods with love, you are yummy! My current favorite use for you is chipotle marinade on salmon. mmm :)

I am going to try to post here more frequently. Things are getting dicey with the government & I honestly believe it will take a miracle to prevent this administration from starting to arrest dissenters. I wish I were joking. I have no intentions of backing down from my opinions or outspokenness (most of which are exercised on Twitter) so I fully expect that if there are lists being made, I am on them or soon will be. I don't mean to be an alarmist or to sound paranoid, but if there is another significant hiatus here, please do check on me. If things get as bad as I anticipate, we will have to watch each others' backs. Even if our ideologies differ, I pray that we can stand together as Americans & look out for one another. We cannot allow tyranny, fascism, despotism, or anything similar to gain a foothold & tear this great country apart.

2009-07-25T01:55:00.001-05:00

Hey friends, I promise very soon to return to regular blogging here. For real!

In the short meantime, though, feel free to check out my new political blog Boston Chai Party that I'm writing with Amber & Raj. Many of you know where I stand politically, but this blog is not about my or my siblings' opinions; it's about bringing news & information to the forefront for discussion so that people can form their own thoughts with a more complete idea of the facts, many of which are overlooked, ignored, or even hidden by mainstream media outlets.

If politics aren't your thing, no worries, I won't be offended in the slightest, that's why we created a separate space for this, but if they are your thing I'd love to have you join us over there.

Coming Soon: perhaps a return of to blank with love? We shall see...

lack of blogging

2009-07-16T21:34:00.000-05:00

Please excuse my long absence. Thank you for those who have requested my return. Truthfully I just haven't had much to say here. Perhaps it's Twitter's fault. Perhaps it's just too difficult to write about the things that have really been on my heart lately, whether because they are too joyful, too frustrating, or too complex.

Still I find myself without much to say, but I decided I should write as I have locked myself in my room because my roommate is watching Twilight in the living room and I'd rather kill bunnies than have my eyes or ears assailed by anything related to that debacle, and I really love bunnies! But that's just how much I hate Twilight. It frightens & saddens my heart that young girls (and truthfully, sadly grown women as well) are reading this garbage and thinking that this crazy, gross stalker is dreamy & represents what love should be. It makes me want to puke. It's really no good whatsoever.

Well sorry, but that's it for now. I will try to post again before too long.

good things from today

2009-06-10T02:09:00.000-05:00

5. wandered around Amoeba Records--one of my favorite places
4. went to a great Indian restaurant for dinner by myself. I was supposed to go with a friend, and though that fell through I decided I still wanted to go.
3. chatted a bit with my waiter and he asked for my number before I left. :)
2. saw Away We Go (for my 2nd time) with my good friends Dan & Amy
1. my RED SOX shut out the Yankees!!! we are now 6-0 on the season against them. this hasn't happened since 1912! here's hoping we can keep the streak alive!

a new song

2009-06-01T23:59:00.000-05:00

Just had to share the little song I found myself singing on the way home from the grocery store tonight.

pepper turkey, pepper turkey, pepper turkey
I love some pepper turkey
it's my favorite
sandwich
lunch meat!

Guess what I bought for work lunches this week. ;) Yeah, I know I'm a dork. I'm totally okay with that.

oh captain my captain

2009-05-29T00:12:00.000-05:00

In under 7 innings, Varitek (Red Sox Catcher & Captain) can hit 2 homeruns that gave us the win, go to bat (so-to-speak) with the homeplate ump on Josh Beckett's behalf, and take an ejection that otherwise would have likely been handed to the Ace. And of course Francona came out to protect Tek which landed him his own ejection. Settle down Ump Tichenor! Check this out.

This was in the same inning that the Twins catcher and manager were also thrown out by Tichoner. I think someone needs to go back to umpire school and get off the power trip. Ridiculous. Yes, I know you can't argue balls & strikes, but give me a break. If both teams are that upset with you, your umping is probably made of fail.

Oh well, at least we got the win. And we're on top of the AL East, so that part of the world is exactly as it should be! :)

time rewinds to the end of May

2009-05-28T00:44:00.000-05:00

Today was bookended by sorrow and joy. Upon arriving at work this morning, I learned that one of the beloved executives of the company had passed away unexpectedly. I had a brief cry over it this morning, but I know that once my mind fully comprehends the reality, tears will flow more freely. At this moment it still feels unreal.

Conversely, this evening I was blessed to reconnect with a very dear friend whom I had not truly hung out with in 6 months! It's unbelievable how quickly time can pass & how a missed coffee date here or there can turn into half a year passing. But oh what delight there is in picking up as if no more than a day or two had passed and laughing & sharing about everything from tv shows about vampires to celebration & love.

This friend, Maria, recently celebrated her 5th wedding anniversary with her wonderful husband James. And she sat there telling me about a love story & journey that has developed over and lasted far longer than 5 years. She told me about a man whose love is a glimpse of God's love. My heart rejoiced with her & her story. And it gave me hope that there is a man like that out there for me, and someday I will be crying & laughing with her over my own love story.

I have no doubt that Maria will be a lifelong friend, and I so look forward to all the adventures that God has in store for us both.

time for something new

2009-05-22T22:50:00.000-05:00

Please excuse the wonkiness while I make some changes. I'll get things smoothed out within the next few days.

I need something to believe in, a breath from the breathin'

2009-05-18T00:05:00.000-05:00

This first part in italics was written last week. The non-italicized part that follows is where I am tonight. Praise God for change.

Lately I feel like a complete fraud. I'm not excited about church or p&w or truthfully even God. I sat in church last Sunday going through the motions, singing songs simply because I had them memorized, bored by the sermon, and overall feeling nothing. And it's scary & frustrating. I hope it's just fatigue with a sermon series that has dragged on for 3+ months, but honestly I'm not sure & that's frightening.

I'm at a point right now where even though in my head I know I'm incredibly blessed in a lot of ways, I find myself measuring my life by what I don't have. And more frustratingly by what seemingly everyone else around me, with few exceptions, does have. I'm hurt and I'm angry. I'm in a faith desert & I don't like it one bit. Only I have no idea where to find an oasis.

Blessed be your name
when I'm found in the desert place
though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name

We sang that song tonight. It's been one of those recurring songs that pops up at just the right moments in my life. When things like that happen, I just feel God saying, "Look I'm still here. I still have a good & great & wonderful plan for you. I know it's hard, but even when you can't see it, know that I do. I'm bigger than your doubts; I'm bigger than your fears." I really needed to hear that tonight. I spent pretty much my whole weekend chilling out at home, watching a lot of TV & relaxing. It was much too hot for a penguin to be outside. And more than that I just needed a break. I needed not to have to worry about anything. It was perfect and capped off by a great night at church, which was the only activity I did all weekend.

I'm feeling rejuvenated and less hurt & angry. I spent a lot of last week just telling God how upset I was with Him & it didn't feel freeing at the time, which only became more frustrating. But I see now that being open with Him gave Him space to come in, pick up those hurts & fill in holes with His spirit. Tonight wouldn't have been the same without the angry prayers that preceded it. Tonight was freeing.

What happens from here? I don't know exactly. I am trying to have new focus, working toward new goals, and trying to have a heart that learns renewal in God. If I'm not happy in Him, I never will be. Trying to keep that in mind.

things men probably need to know about women

2009-05-13T02:57:00.000-05:00

...because apparently they don't.

So many conflicting reports are swirling around out there about guys:
Guys are dumb.
Guys are smarter than they let on.
Guys like attention even from a girl in whom they have no interest.
Guys don't know when a girl likes them.
Guys know when a girl is into them.
Even if a guy knows he'll often play dumb; it's an easy out.

What's the truth? And who's going to invent the decoder ring to help us figure it out?? Actually scrap the decoder, I'm done trying to figure it out. 1) because I'm waiting for a guy whose signals I don't have to read, who will have the courage just to come right out & ask me on a date. and 2) because I think the truth tends to lie much closer toward the "guys are smarter than they let on" end of the spectrum than anywhere else and that should, and does as far as I'm concerned, require them to take on a little more responsibility. If you think a girl might be interested & the feeling isn't mutual, don't lead her on! I know, it makes your ego purr, but consider putting someone else's heart ahead of your ego trip.

In order to help, I'm going to share with the guys several situations that are sure to mess with a woman's head. This is for prevention, not for instruction mind you!

As it is already quite late I will give you the first situation of the series tonight. More to follow.

1. sharing a really great song with her

Okay, you like music, she likes music, you want to play a song for her. It's nice to play cool new tunes for a friend, right? Wrong bucko. Unless you have a VERY clearly established friendship with her (you probably don't) and a long history of sharing all kinds of music back & forth with her (maybe you do) then you need to screen those lyrics. If there's a tiny hint of a line that might have a notion of being romantic when it grows up, stop right there. A girl's heart will latch onto that bit, and think "does he like me? of course he likes me. he wouldn't stare into my eyes and play that song for me if there wasn't something there, right?

Yes, guys do that, they stare in your eyes and play something that you don't even have to stretch to make romantic. Guys plural have done that to girls plural with no emotion to back it up. I wish I was kidding. Alright so maybe you aren't always staring into her eyes, maybe you just told her about it in a email, but still she'll listen to it & she'll think about you & she'll think about you listening to it & thinking about her, being reminded of her & needing to share it with her. So please just consider the lyrics first. If you need help, ask a female friend for advice on possible miscontrual. Sometimes sharing isn't caring.

So when it comes down
You'll know
I'm with you
How could I show you?
It feels good to know
It feels good to know you

Those lyrics for instance are not shareable. Don't do it. I'm serious. No, really.

Okay, that's it for the first installment. Stay tuned for more. Goodnight all!

fun with numbers

2009-04-26T00:15:00.000-05:00

Last night I heard 1234 by the Plain White T's. It's a fun song that reminds me of this song from Square One TV. Yes, I'm a nerd; I'm pretty sure we've been over this! ;)

That's probably my favorite thing from the whole series.

Other fun numbers:
16-11 -- the final score of the Red Sox/Yankees game Saturday. It was INTENSE! But we pulled it out.

4:21 -- the time of both Friday's and Saturday's games against the Yankees

11 -- the number of games the Red Sox have won in a row including a 3-game sweep of the Yankees!!! and now we're tied for 1st place in the AL East!

400+ million -- what the Yankees spent during the off season to acquire some of the hottest free agents. How's that working out for you? I mean, I already knew we had CC Sabathia's number, but we were able to dismantle Burnett after he was gifted a 6-0 lead, and Teixeira's not looking too hot against us right now either. I know things can always turn around, but I must say, kudos for the spending spree. :)

Have I mentioned that I love baseball!! In other fun baseball & numbers news, I realized today that Fenway Park will turn 100 the same year I turn 30, soooo guess what I'll be doing for my birthday??? :) A couple months late of course b/c sadly my birthday isn't during baseball season, but still I can't think of a better way to celebrate 30!

And speaking of 30, I had the most AMAZING experience yesterday participating in 30 Seconds to Mars' The Summit. They invited fans to participate in the new album they're recording. It was so much fun. I spent most of my day about 20 feet from the hotness that is Jared Leto! :) He is hilarious & so talented. And the new record is going to be astounding. I cannot wait.

"the reality is even better than the rhetoric"

2009-04-24T00:25:00.000-05:00

This weekend bring the first Red Sox/Yankees match-up of the season, and I am stoked! The Red Sox are red hot right now and come into this series with a 7 game winning streak. The team has hit a stride. Papi tweaked his mechanics & has started producing. Back-up players are hitting 2 and 3 run homers. Veterans are in the game. A lot of our pitching is golden right now and when it's not, our guys have runs to back them up and a dynamic bullpen. This weekend should be exciting.

Speaking of exciting--at the Sunday game of the Red Sox/Angels series a couple weeks ago I saw the benches (and bullpens) clear for the first time in person. Kind of crazy. Here's a shot with all the players on the field. Not really what's supposed to happen, but made for some cool photos. :)

The homeplate ump called time late, and as a pitcher once you're in motion (as Red Sox pitcher Josh Beckett was) you have to continue or you risk career-ending injury. They are taught to just sail it at that point, which is what happened. Unfortunately it ended up a little close to Abreu's head. I've watched the clip 2 dozen or so times, trying to be objective and really I don't think it was intentional and I don't think there was anything else Beckett could have done. Everyone overreacted and upon review after the fact, Beckett was suspended for 6 games. After an appeal it was reduced to 5, which is still overly harsh.

Beckett will be back to pitch for us on Saturday with Lester picking up Friday and Masterson getting his 2nd start of the season on Sunday. I really think with the way we've been playing we could sweep the Yanks. I don't think it'll be easy necessarily, but I definitely think it's possible. :)

In other news, I should be kickin' it with 30 Seconds to Mars on Sunday! Anyone want to join me?

kiss the stars with me

2009-04-14T01:07:00.000-05:00

I have had a great 4 day weekend. It was really nice spending the weekend with my sister, brothers, sister-in-law, and youngest nephew. It was also fun seeing the Red Sox for their 3 games against the Angels, even though we lost 2 of 3 games. (boo hoo hoo) Even though every game counts, I do have to remember that this is only the first week of the season and I need to be patient for them to settle into their groove.

I always have such a hard time going back to work after time off, even just one day. I always pictured that by this point in my life I'd be a housewife/stay-at-home mom. As it is, I'm considering going back to school and completely changing my career path--a thought that really makes me sad. The idea of four more years of school and who knows how much more debt is nauseating & burdensome. I don't really know what else to do at this point.

I started keeping a list of all the things I'd like to do in a given day or week to help determine what career might fit those things--sleep in (we're talking 9am here not noon) go to Farmer's Markets, go to baseball games, be outside, write, read, spend time with people, go out for coffee, cook. Now of course I do all of those things now, but that's in addition to a 40 hour work week that just takes a lot out of me--time among other things. So, really the only conclusion that I've come to is, marry rich. haha. I'm kidding (at least slightly), but really it'd be nice. Of course when children come into the picture I realize things would change, but I'm totally okay with that.

I got a flat tire tonight. No idea how it happened. Got home from dropping Amber & A.J. off at LAX just fine, went to the garage a few hours later to go to dinner & there it was, completely flat. I hate dealing with car stuff. Standing downstairs at 8 o'clock at night I found myself just really wishing that I had a man to help me deal with it, to look out for me & protect me. As a woman I so desire to have someone there to step in for me. Of course I can handle those things for myself, but I hate being in a world where I have no choice but to. Sometimes it'd be nice to have a man to cover & protect me with his strength so that I could just enjoy being a soft & sweet woman. I wish I had any idea of when/if those days were coming...

For now it's off to bed, gotta get up early to take the car in before work. :\

To end on a happy note, here's a picture of Ravi & me at the Sox game on Friday. Sooo glad baseball is back!

so good! so good! so good!

2009-04-03T20:56:00.000-05:00

Here's a rundown of all the awesomeness I have planned over the next 2 weeks. I'm STOKED!!!

Tonight -- my film program roomie's birthday party

Saturday -- girls' night at a champagne & dessert bar to celebrate my current roomie's birthday, should be completely fabulous :)

Sunday -- lunch with my dear friend Jodi who is moving away soon, which is happy/sad. then rockin' some Cuban food for cafe, which incidentally works out perfectly as a jazz/latin combo is playing (didn't know that when I planned the menu)

Monday -- more celebratin' of the roomie's birthday and also BASEBALL SEASON STARTS!!!

next Friday -- not working! the brothers and sister and youngest nephew descend upon Los Angeles. Ravi & I head to Red Sox game 1 of 3

next Saturday -- we all head to Red Sox game 2 of 3 and then probably some Red Robin love and then the sister-in-law arrives

next Sunday -- Easter, I'm glad I get to take all my siblings to my church even though the likelihood of them doing the stupid "We Win" song is dangerously high. after church Ravi & I head to Red Sox game 3 of 3, and then we probably all rock some homemade Mexican food for dinner

next Monday -- not working! maybe head to Santa Monica, take the sibs to Barney's Beanery which is my favorite

next Wednesday -- Dollhouse night at the Paley Fest

next Thursday -- The Big Bang Theory night at the Paley Fest

Annnnd somewhere in there I should be getting a pretty little tax refund from the state of California. April's shaping up to be a pretty great month. :)

2 things

2009-04-02T20:37:00.000-05:00

1. As a point of further explanation on the potato thing in the earlier post--I read that eating potatoes at any point in the day helps with sleep as they absorb acids in the body that can interfere with the effects of tryptophan (you know the happy sleepy stuff found in turkey & dairy). This does seem to be true given non-fried potato sources, i.e. mashed potatoes or potato soup as opposed to say french fries or chips. Over the past week on days when I've had one or more servings of non-fried potatoes I've slept better to very well.

2. As it turns out pumpkin pie* helps with spiritual unrest. Okaaay it was probably actually the authentic prayers the night before expressing my frustration and the great conversation had over said pie, but hey the pie didn't hurt matters. ;)

Thought these scientific/medical/psychological breakthroughs were worth sharing.

* likely any type of pie, cake, or cheesecake will result in similar effects :)

in between the moon and you the angels get a better view

2009-03-31T00:27:00.000-05:00

I'm tired. Aside from physical exhaustion resulting from the fact that nights I wake up 4 or more times at unreasonable hours outnumber nights I sleep through by more than 10 to 1, I'm spiritually tired. I'm tired of being stretched and grown and going & going & going through the middle. There has to be something on the other side, right? There has to be an other side? Sometimes I feel like it's all going to be worth it and other times I feel like life is a neverending middle. And it's exhausting. The easy times and the moments of unadulterated joy seem much like the fully restful nights. Potatoes seem to be helping the sleeplessness. Not sure what to do about the rest.

a few of my favorite things

2009-03-22T13:21:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago I went over to my friend Rachel's place to bring her food when she was sick. I stopped by the Ralph's by her place and discovered something delightful: vitaminwater10. That's 10 calories per serving! It only comes in 4 flavors right now, but one of those is XXX which is my favorite non-retired VW flavor. (rest in peace VitalTea...)

Since then I hadn't seen VW10 in any other stores. But when I checked Target this week not only did I find this:

I also found these!

Two new flavors! Sorry I'm a spaz and just now realized that I photographed the ingredients side of tranquilo rather than the amusing story. D'oh! Oh well. I enjoyed both flavors, though tranquilo could have lived with a stronger flavor overall. I think I'll still stick with XXX10 most of the time, but I'm sure I will pick these up every now & again.

In other photo news, the cherry blossoms at Lake Balboa are sort of blooming! Here are a couple of my favorite shots from yesterday.

This is my favorite shot of the day, except for...
this!

EWW! I shall be forced to crop this photo, which I generally prefer not to do. I think in this digital age we have far too many crutches and I am somewhat of a photo purist--always have been. It's why I was so resistant to a digital camera to begin with and why I really dislike photo enhancements and touchups. I could go on, but I'll spare you. :)

exciting things are brewing!

2009-03-18T01:16:00.001-05:00

The arrival of 2009 meant something far more lovely than just a new year, it meant a year with a May Day on a weekend!!! I am already planning festivities in my head and will be sending out an evite as soon as is reasonable! I don't think I can accurately describe how much I enjoy this holiday or how much I am looking forward to its celebration. My dream is to make this the biggest & best May Day celebration in the history of Azina--not tough I assure you as this will be the first time I host a May Day party, but exciting nonetheless! If you are in the area or are compelled to travel for the holiday, please do join me--May 1st, my apartment. :)

happiness isn't happiness without a violin playing goat

2009-03-16T03:41:00.000-05:00

I watched Notting Hill for the first time last night in quite awhile. I had forgotten how much I love that movie. It's cute and it's quirky and it's what I want for my life. No matter how complicated and confusing things seem to be, in the end they work out. I want a man who realizes I'm worth racing through the streets of London for. And I want to stand in front of him and tell him that all I'm asking is for him to love me. And of course I want the violin playing goat. ;) I'm the last person who thinks life can/should be like a chick flick. But maybe it can be closer to that simple than we often allow it to be. Right? I hope so.

3.1415926535897932384626433

2009-03-14T03:10:00.000-05:00

Happy Pi Day! Today is a day when you can appreciate nerdiness because it means you have a good excuse to eat pie! Not that you need one of course. And in my opinion nerdiness is appreciable everyday. :) Otherwise I might have to cry that I have Pi memorized to the 25th decimal...

and did you know I'm not as fragile as I thought

2009-03-13T01:54:00.000-05:00

I'm a music junkie. I love discovering new tunes, new bands, new covers. My tastes are highly diverse and highly picky though not snobbish or "refined." I just know what I like and skip over what I don't. A band/song/genre that I dislike will grate on me more than nails on a blackboard. I have about a dozen music blogs I check from time to time. I don't really tend to read them much, just go there for the mp3 samples and form my own opinions. Tonight I discovered a song that I totally dig so I thought, why not share some of my favorite music of late?

Maria Taylor - Cartoons and Forever Plans
the aforementioned song and the source of this post's title

Depeche Mode - Wrong
new song

Anberlin - Feel Good Drag
originally off of Never Take Friendship Personal, rerecorded for Surrender and getting a lot of play on KROQ

Greg Laswell - Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
great cover

Flo Rida - Right Round
I know, I know. It's fun driving music, though. Don't judge! ;)

Okay let's move to TV. Pretty much same rules apply as to music--highly diverse & picky, things I dislike may cause twitching or irrational violence. Don't say you haven't been warned. Here are my current favs:

Lie to Me
Just caught up with this show on Hulu and LOVE it! I highly recommend checking it out. Very smart & intriguing.

Trust Me
I heart Tom Cavanagh, so I'd probably watch this show anyway but it's fun & creative & witty. (It is witty, right? Can someone back me up? I'm not just too enamored with Tom Cavanagh to make a sound judgment, am I? Eh, either way I'm okay with it.)

House
I continue to be impressed by this show. They're still finding new places to take the story, and they still manage to surprise me.

The Big Bang Theory
Without a doubt the smartest comedy on TV. You get Chuck Lorre of Dharma & Greg fame together with Bill Prady who worked on Gilmore Girls + a dynamic cast and good things happen. Rock, paper, scissors, lizard, Spock! And side note: Kunal Nayyar is even more adorable in person than on the show which certainly doesn't hurt matters.

Dollhouse
Joss Whedon's triumphant return to the small screen. The Joss Whedon effect is somewhat similar to that of Tom Cavanagh--I would give a shot to nearly any project he put together. Dollhouse has taken a few eps to find its legs, but the classic Whedon wit is starting to shine through and the storylines have been fairly solid from the beginning. Plus Tim Minear works on the show & that man is genius.

Of course that's only a sample of the many TV shows I keep up with, but those are undoubtedly the shows I look forward to the most each week.

if happy little blue birds fly

2009-03-10T21:33:00.000-05:00

Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.
- Psalm 37:4

I've been meditating on this verse over the past couple of months. Not in a vending machine God sort of way--put in prayers, make your selection & get what you want (which of course doesn't work nor would it be beneficial), but rather the transformative meaning behind it. I really believe that this is about God changing our hearts, planting His desires in them, and then delighting us with the perfect plan He has set out for our lives.

I was talking with a friend the other night about the small wonders that God gives us. We were talking about rainbows and how wonderful they are. God gave us something so beautiful as a reminder of a promise. He didn't have to do that. He didn't have to give us a sign, let alone one so delightful. Yet He did and does. He concerns Himself with bringing us joy even in small ways: a butterfly flitting past at just the right moment, a flower blooming in a storm drain, a rainbow on a tough day, a reminder at the right moment that a friend is thinking of us. How exciting it is that not only does God bother with the big things of life, but He also orchestrates little things that have the main (or even sole) purpose of bringing us delight or lifting our heads. If He shows up in these small and "unnecessary" ways, can't we then also trust that He'll show up in the big ways? (That's rhetorical--yes, yes we can.)

2009-03-05T23:17:00.000-06:00

If you could capture bliss, liquefy it, and pour it in a mug, I have no doubt that what would result is chai. The real stuff, though, not what you get at Starbucks. I mean, the Starbucks stuff is okay and decent. But I'm talking about stove top simmered milk, tea & spices. Mmm. Tastes like bliss to me. :)

we once had oceans left to fly

2009-03-01T22:54:00.000-06:00

I am giddily, stupidly, exceedingly happy right now. It's been awhile & it feels good. And truthfully while I've been really happy, had really great moments & memories & life experiences, I haven't felt exactly this way in about 4 years. I'm not quite sure what to think about that. It's a good reminder & is reinvigorating. And I think that even if it doesn't turn out to mean what I used to hope & what I'm beginning to hope anew that it will at least mean I'll hold out for nothing less. It's indescribably exciting. I have no idea what puzzle pieces will take shape, but I do know that when I get to a place where I can look back and see more fully the picture that is currently forming it will delight my heart--as it always does. :)

Tonight I went to the Sunday evening service at my church for the first time in over 5 months. I enjoy the morning service and had even come to believe that I liked it better than the evening service, that way I could just relax and chill out on Sunday night. Turns out I was completely full of crap without even realizing it. I do enjoy the morning service, but in no way is it better than Sunday evening. Finishing out the weekend praising my God and seeing my friends, what could be better? I'm glad for the nudges from God and friends over the past few weeks to revisit this service. It capped off a really great weekend.

all the cool kids are doing it

2009-02-28T18:13:00.001-06:00

My sister got a new background for her blog so I decided to visit the site where she got it. I had only intended to browse, but then I saw the paisley design my blog is now sporting and I couldn't resist. :) Yeah, I'm a copycat, but I'm okay with that. Plus it's been over a year since I switched things up here; clearly it was time.

I once had marigolds for eyes

2009-02-27T01:39:00.000-06:00

This piece was mostly written about the idea of a future someone, whom I do not yet know, though admittedly it was influenced by someone specific. Lately my thoughts have been dwelling on periwinkle dreams again and even on that specific man. Sometimes I wonder if God has been setting a plan in motion through everything that has happened in the 4 years since that writing. I really can't say for sure. My heart is very much in the habit of getting way ahead of me, so I'm trying just to relax and be patient and see what (if anything) happens. All I know for sure is that whatever and whomever God brings in my path, I trust that He will completely & delightfully surprise me. That's very exciting. :)

Other thoughts have been dwelling on something my dear friend Shauna wrote in a lovely post over the weekend. The whole post is worth a read to be sure, but the part that's found itself bouncing about my head is this:

Isn't that what we need to be for each other? calling out to others in their darkness and bringing along a bit of light?

Over the past year or so I've learned a lot about myself, learned that some of the things I do, some of the boundaries I have a difficult time upholding for myself are because I'm a people pleaser. I so greatly desire to be liked and appreciated that I can empty myself for the sake of others. This is of no good to anyone. But finding a proper balance has been difficult.

And then I read what Shauna wrote and it started clicking. Am I doing something because I need to feel appreciated or am I doing something because God has blessed me with a capacity to shine a little light into someone's life at this given moment? Does being a light-bringer supersede my needs/wants only in the moment? Am I able to do this without any expectations in return? Ultimately do I care enough about this person to exercise whatever capacity, no matter how small, I may have to bring light to them? This is helping me figure out a more proper balance. It becomes about being a conduit for God's light rather than a receptacle for man's praise or approval. I can't say I won't fail at it, but it's a helpful perspective.

I am quite blessed by Shauna's friendship--clearly she is very wise and she is also a great light-bringer herself! You would be quite lucky to know her. :)

finally!

2009-02-21T02:22:00.000-06:00

I got my nose pierced. :) Yeah, I know I'm a dork for taking this photo but I figure if painters can do self-portraits why can't photographers??

I have a feeling this is gonna be a good one

2009-02-20T03:16:00.000-06:00

When people say something silly like, it was a red letter day they're talking about the kind of day I just had. I don't know where the phrase originated and why, nor do I care to look it up right now, but I can tell you that today my 27th birthday was completely delightfully, fabulously, wonderful. I'm really excited for this year in my life. Thanks to all of you who are a part of it in one way or another, you are truly appreciated. Pictures to follow, just too tired to deal with them now. I shall bid you adieu for the night and go to bed full of love, full of smiles, and full of great memories. :)

mini update on the below

2009-02-18T01:06:00.001-06:00

I emailed Frank, the owner of Doughboys to tell him how heartbreaking I found the story to be and to volunteer my time to help in anyway possible to help bring Doughboys back. He replied with the kindest email and news that reopening plans are in the works! I think this one is going to turn out right in the end and my heart delights in that. :)

this is really disappointing...

2009-02-12T22:38:00.000-06:00

The best place for Red Velvet cake in LA has closed.

For your convenience, I've copied and pasted the story here. It's long, but worth a read I feel. Sometimes things go really really wrong. I have a hard time with that.

What really happened to Doughboys
^{(as posted on www.doughboys.net)}

I have heard many rumors about the state of Doughboys...what happened and why. But none of them even remotely accurate. I would like to set the record straight. And while it might seem a bit self-indulgent, it’s my website, and if I can’t do it here, where can I do it.

It began as a wholesale bakery with an eye towards evolving into a café and retail bakery. I opened Doughboys in February of 1992 with 2 employees (both bakers) and myself. The front of the space was used to store flour, the rear was the bakery. We began with two customers.

Towards the end of 1993, the restaurant adjacent to us became available. While I had no need of it at the time, I knew I would need it eventually if I was to expand. It was a fully equipped restaurant, complete with a walk-in refrigerator, stoves, ovens, and hood. I purchased the equipment from the owner, and signed a new lease. As is always the case when you take over a business, I was required bring the site up to current Building and Safety codes, as well as Health department codes. This involved submitting plans for necessary work and obtaining building permits, then completing the work and having it approved. We were required to upgrade our entire hood structure, including the exhaust and make up air system. That had to be approved by the Mechanical division of Building and Safety. It was. Then, the fire suppression system upgrades that needed to be approved by the Los Angeles Fire Department. They were. We made plumbing changes, repairs and upgrades with plans being submitted and the work being approved by the Plumbing division of Building and Safety. There were repairs to the tiles, walls, refrigeration units, and many other things required for Health Department approval. All of this was done legally. We even have a stamped, approved set of plans issued by the Industrial Waste Department acknowledging both addresses as one. Eventually, over time, Doughboys evolved into the bakery and café I had hoped for. It took many years, much work, and the help of a wonderful staff, many of whom have been with me for years.

Within the last few years, as 3rd street has grown, some members of the Wilshire homeowners association have expressed concern over the parking situation, noise, and general congestion in the area. Their concern is certainly legitimate. Most of the homeowners are communicating with local business owners directly, with mutual respect and understanding. They have regular meetings where they discuss possible solutions. However, a very small minority of the homeowners directly behind some of the restaurants have chosen to take a different course. In our case, there were many calls to the Department of Building and Safety, our councilman's office, the police, Health Department, and other agencies. Police officers and officials from their respective offices responded to every call, and almost all were deemed “no violation”. The police in particular, never cited one incident in which we violated any law or civil code. A Lawsuit brought by our immediate neighbor to the south for excessive noise was thrown out after the many hours of recordings and videotape furnished by the neighbor prompted the judge to declare that all he really heard were police helicopters. The Health Department was called with every conceivable allegation. Almost all visits by the inspector (there were 12 to 13 in a period of 8 weeks, normally there are 4 visits per year) turned up “no violation”. And things that were found needing attention received it immediately. Since letter grades were initiated in Los Angeles County, the majority of ours have been “A” ratings. This prompted one inspector to suggest we try to do something about the “harassment” by our neighbor.

And while the many calls to the Department of Building and Safety alleging illegal construction proved false, it ultimately prompted an investigation into the 2 spaces we occupied. The original one and the one we took over later. As it turned out, the “restaurant” we acquired in 1993 had never changed its zoning status, as would have been required, to convert its use from “retail” to “restaurant” use by its owner. This is an important distinction because there are different requirements in parking, plumbing, electrical, and so on for all zoning, such as industrial, residential, mixed use, commercial, restaurant, and on and on. This also meant he had been operating illegally. And it also meant that after all these years, when they insisted I convert its use, it was unlikely I would be able to due to the current codes which change year to year. I obviously resisted just closing my business and continued to search for a solution. This was a long and tedious search involving many people. And it took quite a long time. So long, in fact, that I was fined several times, and was ultimately charged with criminal prosecution for non-compliance. There is currently a warrant out for my arrest. I was told by the city attorney that to dispose of the criminal matter, I would need to obtain a building permit to show we were officially on the way to compliance.

Surprisingly, my architect, with my landlords help and support, was actually able to design a plan that would satisfy ALL code requirements and bring the space into complete compliance with the laws. This included the fire codes resulting from joining the two spaces. It was sufficient to the extent that we were granted a building permit. This would allow us to begin the work needed to come into full compliance, and remain a café. It should have also resolved the criminal matter. Every penny available to me, including the refinancing of my home, the virtual draining of funds from our Highland location, and money and work from friends, was used for the work needing to be done. Over $100,000 was spent on construction. As we neared completion, and were 4 to 5 weeks away from what we hoped would be our final inspection, our building permit was revoked. When a senior Building and Safety inspector was contacted by my architect, he was told that the inspector who approved the permit made a “mistake” and overlooked some things.

My architect promptly went to work addressing those “things”, and discussed them with the senior inspector. One by one, each item was resolved to the satisfaction of the inspector. A “supplemental permit”, was issued allowing us to continue. But that too was promptly revoked, with the same supervisor unable to say why. He could only say that it was sent “upstairs”. We were eventually led to our city councilman, Jack Weiss. In support of Doughboys, my landlord insisted on a meeting with the councilman’s assistants, senior members of the Department of Building and Safety, himself, his lawyers (at his own expense), and my architect. He also carried with him a petition with the names of over 600 local residents (all in Mr. Weiss’s district) in support of Doughboys, which were obtained by many of our staff, on their own time, and wanting only to support us. The meeting ultimately failed to resolve the problem, the petition was ignored, with one of Mr. Weiss’s assistants referring to the complaints of several neighbors (one in particular, she said, called every day without fail) and the pressure they were putting on Mr. Weiss. The end result was that the space in question could NOT be used as a restaurant. That effectively closed Doughboys for good.

16 years of work, 40 people put out of work, hundreds of thousands of dollars lost, our bakery, as well as our new mail order business (which began after our Red Velvet cake was featured on the Oprah Winfrey show), all lost. And then there’s the sadness of being forced to leave the neighborhood in which I worked for so long and the neighbors I had come to know. Some we knew for years, and watched their children grow up. It has also removed me from the day to day involvement of our highland location. This, and the financial condition in which I was left, led to difficulties which ultimately forced the closure of that location as well. And months after the actual closing, I am still discovering new issues resulting from it. Multiple lawsuits, accusations of dishonesty, and indifference to the many people who helped build the company, and the continuing drama of the criminal charge, which, after losing everything, is still unresolved. I’m still a criminal. There have been many suppliers and trades people with whom I’ve worked over the years, many of them small companies and many of them close friends, who have been affected as well.

But By far the worst however, was the loss of, and the inability to pay many of the employees who had worked for me so long. These were the people responsible for the growth of doughboys. No one person can build a company by himself. Many successful business people with tell you they became that way by hiring people smarter and more talented than they are. Such was certainly the case with me. Some have been with me for up to 14 years. One started when he was 17 (he lied about his age). This was the only job he had ever had. Over the years, I watched them date, marry, have children (some of whom were even brought by the restaurant on their way home from the hospital so everyone could see them), bury close friends and family members, and all the other things that families and friends do. At our Christmas parties, we would count how many babies had been born that year (one year I believe it was 7 or 8). These people all trusted me to fulfill my part of the bargain. They worked; I would pay them for their work. And when I was forced to close, and unable to completely fulfill my part of the bargain, there were several responses...all of them incredibly painful. No one really understood how it happened, nor did they especially want or need to. There were some who thought I planned it, and just took their money and ran. Some didn’t really think about it much, they were just trying to figure out how they were going to pay their rent. Some tried to offer solace, and just thanked me for the time we had. Many of these employees asked to be contacted if I was ever going to re-open, so they could come back to work. A couple of them even asked me if there was anything they could do to help me; if I needed to borrow some money (I’m not sure I would ever be able to describe how that felt). Some were very angry and threatening, understandably, and wanted to know how I could be so irresponsible. A legitimate question, I think. One I’ve struggled with, but have no idea how to answer. They say hindsight is 20/20. If only! And there are many who won’t speak to me at all, or return my phone calls. But whatever their reaction, I’m sure there were many who just thought I didn’t really care. I did.

It is unlikely anyone could fully recover from this experience. Financially, maybe. Could anyone recover emotionally? Well, I can only speak for myself. I won’t. And it’s still extremely difficult to understand how this could happen, and to accept this loss. What was my role? Could I have done something differently; something that would have altered the outcome? Doughboys has dominated over a third of my life. Think about it...one third of a life’s work; gone. Is it gone forever or can it be rebuilt? And if so, what would I do differently? And would I be able to avoid the same mistakes and errors in judgment? Would the staff ever forgive me for breaking our contract, or consider working with me again? The fallout is likely to continue for some time, and there are many unresolved issues. And there are taxes to be dealt with, vendor lawsuits to fight (or acquiesce to), and personal matters that, previously ignored, will at some point have to be addressed if at all possible.

But I will make every effort to recover. I promise myself every day I will keep trying to find a way to repay those who have lost as a result of all this. And I truly believe I will. And I hope I can restore the name and reputation everyone at Doughboys worked so hard to get.

So, regarding the rumors that continue to circulate, the people who start them, the people who believe them, and even the people who couldn’t care less, my goal here was simply to tell the true story. I am not trying to change anyone’s mind, or convince anyone I’m a wonderful guy. This is no marketing ploy, or sympathy plea. Like all people, there are those who like me, and those who don’t. And no matter what I do, I will always have both. Ultimately, my conscience will allow me to sleep at night or not.

Good Night
Frank Waldman

good times never seemed so good

2009-02-09T01:48:00.000-06:00

so good! so good! so good!

Inspired by Neil Diamond performing "Sweet Caroline" on the Grammy's tonight and my ever growing excitement at the nearness of Spring Training, I started putting together a Red Sox playlist tonight. Right now the only songs I'm sure will go on there are "Sweet Caroline" and Dropkick Murphys' "Shipping Up to Boston." But I have found several lists of what songs each player requests to be played when he goes up to bat, so that will give me some ideas through which to sift.

Have I mentioned how I love baseball? ;)

Meanwhile, Manny Ramirez remains unsigned which is surprising to me. I'm really disappointed at how I feel (devil agent) Scott Boras is handling the negotiations. There's no reason why Manny shouldn't have been signed over a month ago with a greater contract than he has any hope of getting at this point. As much as I dislike how Manny acted toward the end of his time with Boston, I do think he's a good player & fits really well with the Dodgers. Unfortunately, if they're patient enough to sign him still he's lost out on the best offer he could have gotten from them. Hopefully something is settled before the start of Spring Training.

In case anyone is wondering, no I don't feel threatened by the Yankees antics during the off-season. I'm not at all concerned about the pitchers they acquired. Their signing of slugger Teixeira was shocking to me, and it will likely mean the return of the rightful #1 & #2 in the AL East--the Sox & Yanks, still not sure how the Rays snuck in there. But as good as Teixeira is, one man doesn't make a team. The Yanks will likely be great this year, but so will the Sox. And we have a better mix of youth & experience and if the John Henry model has taught us anything, in the 2000s that means more than buying up players. Can't wait to see how it all plays out.

2009-02-05T23:01:00.000-06:00

wind whistles through the cracks
of the old forgotten attic
stirring dust from yellowed photographs
the only reminders of lives long since passed
and loves long since outlasted

I feel like this is incomplete, but I've been sitting on it for 2 weeks without any idea of what it lacks, so there you have it.

2009-02-03T00:34:00.000-06:00

This cycle never ends
You gotta fall in order to mend

It's a brand new day
It's a brand new day
For the first time
In such a long long time
I know, I'll be okay
- Joshua Radin, "Brand New Day"

This past week was one of the more difficult in the whole breakup/healing process for me. And the funny thing is that because of it, I'm actually getting to a better place. Finally.

A lot has happened in my life over the past 2 years. None of which I could say I anticipated in the slightest. Some of it was amazingly wonderful. Some of it was fantastically craptastic. Because of it all, I've been thinking a lot about openness & honesty. At first I was planning on writing how honesty is always the best policy even when it hurts, but I've learned in this situation that the most hurtful honest feelings were the ones that were spoken and for some reason the most helpful honest feelings were the ones that were withheld. Sure, they would have had some sting too, but at least if they had been spoken in a timely manner they could have been acted upon. Though, I guess hindsight is the only way I can say what honesty should have been spoken sooner & what should have been couched. Maybe it would have been better for it all just to be on the table...

In some ways I'm exceedingly frustrated at things that weren't spoken timelier. But I'm coming to a point of acceptance about it all. For whatever reason, things didn't go how I hoped and in some ways even how they should have. That's not to say that the outcome would have been different, but I am certain a lot of the hurt could have been avoided for all parties involved. I can't say that right now I understand what God's purpose is in all of this, but I can say that I know He is using this to move me toward something. It's hard & in some ways really unwelcome as I wish it could have been learned sooner, but I'm trying to be open to it now that it is happening. And I know that if I can learn what He's showing me, things will go differently with my next relationship, at least along these lines.

Leona Lewis is right, "It's gonna hurt when it heals too. It'll all get better in time." It's finally starting to heal beyond sutures & that does hurt in some ways, but the hurt is necessary & I know better days are coming and I'm pretty sure many of them will start happening this month. It is February after all.

welcome to February!

2009-02-01T23:27:00.000-06:00

In my nearly 5 years of blogging, the only tradition I've kept well is my first day of February post. I'm pleased to bring you the 2009 edition today. Throughout the years I have posted several reasons why February is awesome. The only 2 that really seem to warrant mention at the moment are the quirky spelling and of course it's my birthday month! :)

I'm pleased to report that February is off to a lovely start. January went out like an ugly, screaming banshee. Thankfully February is being far more congenial thus far. Today I was blessed to spend the afternoon with my good friend Jodi and reacquaint with her friend Sarah. We started off at a small bar just off the beach for snacks & the 1st half of the Super Bowl. I hate football, but enjoy the social aspect of the Super Bowl.

At halftime we walked back to Jodi's apartment. We watched part of the 3rd quarter on the couch and then eventually ended up in Jodi's room, laying on her bed watching the smaller tv & having girl talk. I was amused at how progressively girlier our afternoon became, and I think that's why I so enjoyed the Super Bowl today. I didn't watch half the game, but I got to be around amazing women, laugh, talk about life, frustrations, dating, dream weddings, and various domestic things. I drove home barely bothered by the unexpected congestion on the freeway because I was just so blessed to have a joy-filled afternoon. There's really nothing like silly, girlie times & talking through football. :)

The past 5 months have been some of the most difficult I've ever had to walk through with countless breaking points that I've only survived by the grace of God. I'm hoping that a new trend is starting and that the next several months to come will be filled with brighter paths & a lighter heart. I think February's just the right time for that to start.

I know I got to be right now, 'cause I can't get much wronger

2009-01-30T21:29:00.000-06:00

Thanks to my fabulous friend Shauna, I was able to take the Strengths assessment. My top 5 strengths are:

*Connectedness: Things happen for a reason. You are sure of it. You are sure of it because in your soul you know that we are all connected. Yes, we are individuals, responsible for our own judgments and in possession of our own free will, but nonetheless we are part of something larger.

*Empathy: You can sense the emotions of those around you. You can feel what they are feeling as though their feelings are your own.

*Individualization: Your Individualization theme leads you to be intrigued by the unique qualities of each person. You are impatient with generalizations or “types” because you don’t want to obscure what is special and distinct about each person. Instead, you focus on the differences between individuals. You instinctively observe each person’s style, each person’s motivation, how each thinks, and how each builds relationships. You hear the one-of-a-kind stories in each person’s life. (I'm told is the most rare, clearly I'm very special.) :)

*Ideation: You are fascinated by ideas. What is an idea? An idea is a concept, the best explanation of the most events. You are delighted when you discover beneath the complex surface an elegantly simple concept to explain why things are the way they are. An idea is a connection. Yours is the kind of mind that is always looking for connections, and so you are intrigued when seemingly disparate phenomena can be linked by an obscure connection. An idea is a new perspective on familiar challenges. You revel in taking the world we all know and turning it around so we can view it from a strange but strangely enlightening angle. You love all these ideas because they are profound, because they are novel, because they are clarifying, because they are contrary, because they are bizarre. For all these reasons you derive a jolt of energy whenever a new idea occurs to you.

*Developer: You see the potential in others. Very often, in fact, potential is all you see. In your view no individual is fully formed. On the contrary, each individual is a work in progress, alive with possibilities. And you are drawn toward people for this very reason. When you interact with others, your goal is to help them experience success. You look for ways to challenge them. You devise interesting experiences that can stretch them and help them grow. And all the while you are on the lookout for the signs of growth—a new behavior learned or modified, a slight improvement in a skill, a glimpse of excellence or of “flow” where previously there were only halting steps. For you these small increments—invisible to some—are clear signs of potential being realized. These signs of growth in others are your fuel. They bring you strength and satisfaction. Over time many will seek you out for help and encouragement because on some level they know that your helpfulness is both genuine and fulfilling to you.

Theme descriptions from https://www.strengthsquest.com.

I feel these all describe me really accurately. I posted the full description of Developer as I feel it influences me the most as a person, which can be really good, but also really difficult as others around me don't always see the potential I see--not in a good or bad way for me or them but definitely in a way that causes each of us not to see what the other sees. I'm still mulling over what that means for my life.

(If you're having trouble figuring out where I was going with the subject line, it's from Kanye West's "Stronger." Strengths, stronger, get it?)

what's right with you?

2009-01-25T22:39:00.000-06:00

On the suggestion of my older younger brother, Raj, in a continued effort to answer, "what should I do with my life?" I purchased StrengthsFinder 2.0 tonight. My dear friend Shauna has long extolled the virtues of StrengthsFinder, so I knew it was worth checking out and figured it would prove somewhat more useful to my life than the suggested move to New Jersey.

I fully intended to share with you lovely people my top 5 strengths, but alas my access code to take the online test seems to have been misprinted or hijacked despite the fact that the packet in the back of the book was unopened. I'm quite disappointed about that. So now I wait to see if the website's Help people are able to fully live up to their name; I hope so.

In the meantime, I will share with you what I was able to learn from StrengthsFinder 2.0 tonight. Well, I'll let author Tom Rath explain:

In 1998, I began working with a team of Gallup scientists led by the late Father of Strengths Psychology, Donald O. Clifton. Our goal was to start a global conversation about what's right with people.

We were tired of living in a world that revolved around fixing our weaknesses. Society's relentless focus on people's shortcomings had turned into a global obsession. What's more, we had discovered that people have several times more potential for growth when they invest energy in developing their strengths instead of correcting their deficiencies.

(Emphasis added.)

I can't help but feel like this is somewhat how my God looks at me. Sometimes as humans we tend to focus too much on the failed, dark, ugly parts of ourselves, forgetting the lens through which God sees us. Sure He knows the yucky parts of us more intimately than even we do, but He also remembers more readily the blood that washes us white as snow. He remembers the strengths that He set in our hearts.

He remembers the way He can fill in the cracks of our humanity and call the weakest of the weak hiding in a cave to lead Israel's army (Gideon), or an old childless man to be the father of many nations (Abraham), or the runt of a family to slay a giant and become king and be a man after God's own heart despite adultery and murder (David), or a bratty doted-upon son to save from famine the brothers that sold him into slavery (Joseph), or a young orphan girl to become queen that she might risk her own life by entering a cranky king's chamber uninvited to save her people (Esther), or a man who would 3 times in one night deny his friend and teacher out of fear to become the rock on which Christ would build his church (Peter), or a persecutor of Christians to become one of the most important voices in the early church whose epistles we still look to for guidance (Paul), or a tax collector choosing Rome over his people to be His friend (Zacchaeus). I could go on, but I think you get the point.

I look forward to being able to share with you the results of the StrengthsFinder assessment. And even just from the little I've read so far, I encourage you to consider picking up a copy and discovering your strengths. Imagine what could happen in this world if we looked toward the potential God has placed in us & those around us rather than focused on ours & their shortcomings. Maybe we really could cause mountains to move (Matthew 17:20, NIV) and mulberry trees to be planted in the sea (Luke 17:6, NIV)! (Not of our own accord of course, but by God moving in us.) I don't know about you, but I really want to be a mover of mountains and to live out all that God has in store for me.

top 10 reasons to move to Jersey

2009-01-21T23:58:00.000-06:00

I had coffee with my friend Jay tonight. At what point did Starbucks stop teaching its baristas how to pull shots well? A good 50% of the time, regardless of what establishment that I patron, regardless of what city, the coffee tastes burnt. Ugh. (I do realize some baristas are good at what they do.)

Anyway, Jay's insight on the what should I do with my life? question was, "you should move to Jersey!" Throughout the next hour he randomly tossed in a few compelling reasons why it was a good idea and I've decided to add some of my own. Now, I'm not seriously considering any of these, but figured they were worth sharing for amusement's sake. :)

1. I've never met anyone from Jersey I didn't like--of course I only really know like 5 people from Jersey, but 100% is still 100%
2. I'd be closer to Boston=closer to the Red Sox!
3. it's cheaper
4. there are still places to snowboard
5. I like Princeton
6. it's not likely to be 80 degrees in January
7. Garden State is one of my favorite movies
8. I'd have an instant job working for Jay's landscaping company--hahahaha. me + gardening really is laughable
9. Zach Braff is from there
10. my favorite character on CSI:NY is from Jersey

In other news, I ushered my mom into the blogging world over the weekend. She's mentioned a couple of times in the past few months that she'd like to write a book, though she's not sure on what. I encouraged her to blog as a way to help discover about what she enjoys writing and to help refine her voice. You'll find her blog over there to the right through the link aptly titled "Mom."

when you know that you just don't know (pt. 2)

2009-01-18T23:34:00.000-06:00

(for part 1 go here)

And here tonight while the stars are blacking out
With every hope and dream I've ever had in doubt
I've spent ten years trying to sing these doubts away
But the water keeps on falling from my eyes

And heaven knows, heaven knows
I tried to find a cure for the pain
Oh my Lord! To suffer like you do
It would be a lie to run away

So blood is fire pulsing through our veins
We're either writers or fools behind the reigns
I've spent ten years trying to sing it all way
But the water keeps on falling from my tries
- The Cure For Pain - Jon Foreman

I am all too keenly aware that difficult times are character building. Sometimes though it'd be rather nice to have more mountaintops or plateaus even than valleys. While a lot has changed in the past 5 years and I like the woman God's been growing me into, sometimes it's hard not to think that for all the heartache not enough has changed. I still have days where I fight against the idea of packing it all in, giving up, and leaving LA.

I keep getting asked the question of where I see myself in a year, in 5 years. Honestly, I have no idea. None. I know where I hope to be emotionally, spiritually, relationally but I don't know how to get from here to there. I think sometimes I can't think about where I see myself in 5 years because I have to focus on today, and the next day, and the next day before I can turn my attention to 1826 days from now.

I am figuring out that I need some sort of new direction, though. I'm really not sure what that should be. I'm not career minded enough to get very far in film & I'm quite okay with that. This industry can be soul-crushing and I have no intention in being involved in it for very many more years. So that leaves me wondering what to do.

My dear friend Shauna asked if I'd ever considered taking counseling classes. I have and didn't pursue a career in counseling as I would certainly die from empathy, but I have been thinking that it could aid my ministry. I did a little looking into it, though in truth the cost is a huge deterrent. I haven't given up on thinking about it yet. And if not this, I've got to find something. If anyone has any thoughts, I'm open to them. It's really difficult figuring out what to do with your life when all you really want to do is be a wife & a mom and God keeps telling you to wait. How do you find direction and live meaningfully when you can't pursue what you really dream of? I'm struggling with that one.

I don't believe in coincidences anyway, but it was certainly no mistake that I was reminded of this passage today:
". . . we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."
- Romans 5:3-5

2009-01-15T23:58:00.000-06:00

the sun is unseasonably friendly
allowing an early hibiscus greeting
I begrudge this January warmth
longing for chillier days
and snow on the beach
(though it never seems to oblige)
but I do not mind the bold presence
of this homeland flower
hearkening to simpler times
and spice scented air

April 10, 2009

2009-01-12T23:47:00.000-06:00

If all goes according to plan, on that date I will be sitting at Angel Stadium with my youngest brother watching the Red Sox dominate. :) Last week as I was preparing my cafe schedule from now until the end of the summer, I checked it against the baseball schedule and was delighted to discover that the Red Sox are playing the Angels much earlier this season than in the past few years. I'm so excited!

In other fabulous baseball news, the MLB Network launched the first week of January. That's right, all baseball all the time. Really few other modern marvels are nearly as exciting for me. I've now seen footage from the 1946 and 1956 World Series (game 5 was Yankee pitcher Don Larsen's perfect game, amazing!). I've seen the original incarnation of Red Sox Nation--the Royal Rooters. I've seen a Red Sox Memories special. I would say something silly like, "The MLB Network is the greatest thing since sliced bread," except it obliterates sliced bread.

The Red Sox Memories special was mostly postseason highlights, which explains why it was only half an hour. ;) Ahh I kid, but if you can't laugh at 86 years of failure & blunder then you can't really be a Red Sox fan. Although, truth be told rewatching Yankee Aaron Boone's homerun in the bottom of the 11th during game 7 of the 2003 Yankees v. Red Sox ALCS hurt just as much as it did the first time around, and for a moment I was transported back to my friend John's living room at school in Iowa. Kind of a trip.

At any rate, reliving some of those good postseason moments helped me sort out some of what I'm feeling right now. I've said it before, but I really think God speaks to us in ways we can understand sometimes & for me that's at least semi-frequently through baseball. Sometimes there are those ALCS game 7 moments. The series is tied. The game is tied or maybe you're even down a few runs. The 9th inning is on its way. And all you can do is hope & believe so strongly in the win. That's me. No matter how things are looking for my team, a part of me always believes we're going to win. Sometimes it happens and sometimes it doesn't, but I know you can't give up. After all only one year after Boone devastated us with that homerun the tables were completely turned.

Life, like baseball, can always turnaround. Things get better. 86 year "curses" get broken. And cheesy though it may sound, when God's your team manager hope always wins out, maybe not in ways you expect or desire, but God's team never loses. I'm really glad about that.

all the things floating about my mind keeping me from sleep

2009-01-09T01:37:00.000-06:00

I've been in bed between 9:30 and 10:30 every night this week and it's been quite nice. Perhaps I'm too stocked up on sleep at this point because my brain & body are simply refusing to settle down for the evening. :P A million things have been going on this week. I've taken risks, been shaken from my comfort zone, been stretched to limits of compassion that are well beyond my own capacity, and been excited to expand my ideas about God & theology. I think at this point it's all sort of catching up to me and my brain is working overtime to process it all. Maybe blogging will help sort some of these things out...

First, I could use prayer. God is stretching me in a way that is exciting & great & TIRING right now. Hope & joy & patience & faith & confidence in Him are amazing and renewing but at times exhausting. I don't have it within my own capacity to remember to be hopeful, joyful, patient, faithful, or confident enough and so I have to fall on my knees again & again throughout the day. It is entirely worth it & I think as it becomes increasingly ingrained in my being the balance between renewal and exhaustion will continue to tip more toward renewal.

Last week someone about whom I've grown to care very deeply made a decision that devastates my heart. I haven't even allowed myself time to process it as I know the pain in doing so is more than I am ready to face right now. That's actually been a good thing as this week she broke down to me, needing to share the weight of what she had done. All I could do was hug her and tell her that God loves us, the soul of us; He is not pleased with our mistakes but He does not withhold His love because of them. I told her that she is not defined by her decision but rather who she is in her heart.

It's a difficult thing and by God's grace I have not taken on this failure as my own--something He started teaching me toward the beginning of this situation and has carried through for me. I know many tearful moments are to come, she now has to live with this decision for the rest of her days. I imagine I will be sharing some of them with her; I hope a counselor will be also. Whatever the case, I know that God is not done working in this. As long as it looks like failure, it just means that He's not done yet. I have a lot of hope for her in that. Please keep her in your prayers as well.

so this is the new year

2009-01-05T22:06:00.000-06:00

I have been mulling over a new year's post for a couple of weeks or more now, but for whatever reason I just could not get thoughts to flow from my head to my keyboard in any sort of useful manner. Perhaps it has a lot to do with how I cannot wrap my mind around the fact that 2009 is already upon us. And while it still seems that 2008 was MUCH shorter than 366 days, church yesterday really helped me to put some things into perspective for this new year and so I will share those thoughts with you. :)

I was blessed to share the remaining week of 2008 with one of my favorite people on the planet--my dear friend Shauna. It was quite a wonderful week filled with snowboarding, hiking, Gilmore Girls, karaoke (I even sang!), lots of coffee and delightful conversation. But as with all good things, her visit had to come to an end yesterday morning. I was feeling kind of bummed as I drove away from the airport mostly as the West Coast and Tennessee are simply too far apart and partly as I had been racially profiled during the "random" car search portion of our drive into LAX. (It was bound to happen at some point, but it is no less frustrating.)

As I drove home I debated whether or not I was going to make it to church. I wasn't dressed for it, I wasn't sure I'd make it home in time to change and truthfully I wasn't in the mood. When I got home I decided that I would just have some devotional time & relax, but God prompted me to get ready for & go to church. I am quite glad that I did!

Walking into the sanctuary looking for a place to sit I spotted my dear friends James & Maria whom I hadn't seen in over a month. I was so happy to have the chance to see them, sit with them and get some love from my Filipino sister. That was more than enough for me to know why God prompted my attendance that morning, but wouldn't you know my God had even more in store! P&W was wonderful and the sermon was fantastic.

A couple points really struck me from the sermon. First, our hope isn't in the turning of a page of the calendar--2009 has no power to bring us hope, only God does. Yes it's okay and good to make resolutions and work on improving ourselves, but there's no more reason to do it on January 1 than on October 12. Hope & joy & renewal are not bound by or created by time or calendars. Something I know well but reminders never hurt.

And the main point was on attitude & working toward having a good one. I would say that I am a generally positive & congenial person, but I did feel convicted during the sermon to work on having a positive spirit at all times--something I specifically struggle with in relation to my job. So I decided to pray and thank God for blessing me with my job and to help me to have a good attitude about work no matter what happens. It definitely made a difference in my day today. Having a spirit overflowing with peace & joy & love & grace is definitely a daily process but one worth working on.

I have a lot of hopes & dreams & prayers for 2009, but the main thing I guess I want to leave you with as we embark on this new year together is, find the positive. Have an annoying boss? Dwell on the blessing of having a job rather than his/her crabbiness. Get flipped off on the freeway? Be thankful for the privilege of driving & honk if you have a chance, it helps trust me. :) Get racially profiled at the airport? Appreciate that they're not doing cavity searches because then you'd probably delay a lot of flights with your protesting & eventual arrest--ha! In all seriousness though, it's amazing how much gratitude can change lives. A positive spirit is not always/often easy but it is possible and a worthwhile.

I hope God blesses each of you in 2009 in ways you can't even fathom right now!

all the lights are coming on now

2008-12-24T00:14:00.000-06:00

I think I may be turning into some sort of desert creature. I crave heat lately in a way that is unnatural--I am certain I'm not sick & I have the thermostat in my apartment set to 82 right now AND I'm under a blanket. Unholy, I know. Plus over the past couple days anytime I drank more than about 6 ounces of any fluid in one sitting I started feeling a little bleh. If I start growing scales or something I'll be sure to see a doctor. ;)

I was in Pasadena last night and instead of driving straight home I decided to scope out some of the neighborhood Christmas decorations. And what to my wondering eyes should appear? This year's best Christmas inflatable. It doesn't beat the giant snowman with a snowglobe base from last year, but still it's rather amusing.

Behold the ridiculously large inflatable nativity! Haha I love this stuff. Giant inflatable holiday lawn decorations were simultaneously the best and worst invention--they crack me up with their ridiculousness! It's hard to tell from the picture, but the giant inflatable baby Jesus has quite a goofy grin on his face. Can't wait to see what silliness next year has in store. :)

2008-12-22T21:14:00.000-06:00

Last night as I was leaving the grocery store I met a homeless man named David. Honestly I had intended to hand him a few bucks, say "God bless you" & walk away. Not that giving isn't good or sufficient, but God had a bit more planned this time. In our brief conversation David said 3 things that really struck me.

1. He was moved to tears telling me of the sleeping bag someone had recently given him.
(Wow! To think if we were all that generous! A fairly small gesture on one man's part was a gift worth crying over for David. The thing that amazes me is that meeting a need so often taxes our comfort zone more than our wallets. If we could approach the world more often that way, going beyond ourselves to meet a real need, imagine how God could bless people through us.)

2. In nearly the same breath David asked why Jesus didn't love him anymore. I told him that Jesus still loved him; He brought someone into David's life to give him that sleeping bag. And He put me in David's path. That's not to toot my horn, but to say that over the past couple of years God has been teaching me to keep an eye out for need. There's a reason David caught my attention last night and it has nothing to do with me.

3. David said he would be praying for me. I find that astonishing, and told him I would be praying for him. I ask you to join me also. Likely I will never know what happens to David, but I know that his life is in God's hands. I pray that God would intervene & improve his circumstances and that more people would cross his path who are willing to give him sleeping bag kind of generosity and some time to let him share his pain. And for us I pray that we would see better with God's eyes. It's so easy to look past someone or to be in too much of a hurry, but I really believe sometimes as little as 5 minutes can make a world of difference in someone's life.

but there is not enough time

2008-12-20T22:54:00.000-06:00

I've taken to praying in the car, particularly while I drive to work, but at other times too. It (sort of) helps with frustration toward individuals whose IQ's may be slightly lower than what should be required for operating a motor vehicle. And more importantly it gives me a dedicated half hour to spend with God every morning.

The other day while driving to work I was thinking about time from my perspective and how sometimes it can seem like time is running out for God to do the things I hope He's going to do in my life. And then I got a gentle reminder of Creation. God created the world in 6 days: plants, animals, oceans, land, sky, stars, people. If He can do that, what makes me think He could ever run out of time to work in my life? Every day is a movement toward whatever He's planning. Even if I can't see the movement day to day, I can trust He's at work. And who knows? In 6 days my life may look completely different. Our lives aren't static; God is always moving us toward something. I can't wait to see to where He's brought me by Friday. :) Or in a month or the month after that.

In just under 2 months I will be 27. I've had a hard time since college not counting birthdays as milestones of another year gone by without God moving in ways I hope/pray for. This year I'm seeing it as another year lived & learned & moved toward hopes & dreams. I can't say why God waits longer to fulfill certain dreams (marriage, kids, career, education, etc.) in some people's lives than in others. I find it extremely frustrating sometimes, but I do know that He's been teaching me a lot lately. Could he have taught those things in the midst of a marriage? Absolutely, but for whatever reason He's decided to go with His plan instead of mine. ;) And when He does bring the fulfillment of that particular dream I can enter into it knowing that my foundation in God is stronger than it's been at any point in my life and I know that will work toward a better foundation between my future husband and me. That alone makes the frustration and waiting worth it--though I must admit that I hope the frustration isn't going to last that much longer. Lessons are great and all, but not everything has to be learned before marriage, otherwise we'd all be outta luck.

Seriously though, I'm happy with me and who God is making me to be. It's a tough journey, anything worthwhile seems to be that way, but even though I can't always see what He's doing on a daily basis, I can look back and see that He has been and continues to be at work. And I look forward to seeing what a God who can make monkeys, turtles, freesia, evergreens, oceans, mountains, sun, stars, man, woman, and so much more in only 6 days will do in my life in the upcoming days and weeks.

teaching us to breathe

2008-12-11T23:30:00.000-06:00

what was frozen through
is newly purposed
turning all things green
so it is with You
and how You make me new
with every season's change
and so it will be
as You are recreating me

I have had what can only be described as an intense day--in mostly good ways, but definitely a lot to take in. I started the morning by popping in one of my favorite cds--Nichole Nordeman's "This Mystery." The album just uplifts me & I love singing along to it. The title of this post and the italicized bits that follow are from her song "Every Season" and it describes rather accurately how I've been feeling lately--more on that in a second. As I was driving to church tonight the last song on this cd came on. I've heard it a million times and while it's a touching song about the crucifixion for the first time tonight it moved me to tears from the center of my soul. It was somewhat stunning, but they weren't tears of sorrow or frustration, they were tears of joy of feeling deeply connected to my Savior. It was intensely amazing. On my way home from church I listened to "Every Season" on repeat and just sang at the top of my lungs. A few more joyous tears flowed from that song & from feeling the promise that God does not leave things broken.

I've been feeling lately the profundity of Christmas & of Mary's situation--though the time of year was likely different, I think about the days leading up to Christ's birth, the frustration, exhaustion, possible anxiety, and even maybe excitement felt by Mary & Joseph on the journey toward Bethlehem. I wonder at Mary's state of mind knowing that the child was to be born at what I'm sure seemed like any minute. Having not yet experienced that, I can only imagine what it's like, but somehow it's the only way I can think to describe how life feels to me right now. Time feels pregnant, like at any moment something life changing is about to happen. It's rather exciting, slightly scary, somewhat tiring, and definitely intense. But overall it's good & I feel good. I'm not sure I can accurately describe it, but even in the midst of this uncertain time for me that literally caused lamaze-esque breathing between tears as I drove home tonight, I have this peace & this joy. Whatever God is planning and has been building toward, I feel He's going to move soon and I'm held in rapt attention waiting to see what's going to happen as I do my best to walk alongside Him. Exciting. Intense.

So much more happened today: the last session of the class I've been taking at church, an hour of my workday spent talking with & consoling a coworker who is at a breaking point, witnessing one of the most amazing acts of kindness I've ever seen, and I saw the sign I mentioned last week 2 more times. It's all just a little too much to unpack in my mind right now--plus it would make for an even more ridiculously long post than this is already shaping up to be. :)

I can't say what tomorrow holds; I can say that God is making himself very evident in my life right now and it's a lot to process, but in an intensely good way. I'm not sure what's coming, but I look forward to sharing it with you because whatever it is will be for God's glory and that's just not something I can keep quiet. :)

and this good night is still everywhere to me

2008-12-10T23:48:00.000-06:00

Tonight Nicole & I decorated the apartment for Christmas. I think this is the latest we've ever done it, but between me being in Palm Desert half of Thanksgiving weekend and sickness for both of us we just really haven't had the chance. While decorating we also listened to Christmas music, of course! Some really great new Christmas cds have come out this year, but by far my favorite is Dustin Kensrue's This Good Night Is Still Everywhere.

Dustin Kensrue is the lead singer of Thrice and he put out a solo album in 2007 (Please Come Home--sooo good). I don't know that I've mentioned him here before so it may surprise you to find out that my love for his music and a lot of Thrice's tops my love for 30 Seconds to Mars. It's shocking I know, but Dustin Kensrue sings to my heart & soul in a way that few artists do. His solo stuff is very folky, moreso than I tend to go for, but like I said it resonates with my soul. And the title track off his Christmas albums is one of the sweetest songs:

I know somewhere the sun is up and it's 95 degrees,
But here the stars are shining and there's frost on all the trees,
And everything looks beautiful as far as I can see,
And this good night is still everywhere to me.

The gospel's on the radio like Jesus come to town,
And right outside my window I see snowflakes falling down,
And everything looks beautiful as far as I can see,
And this good night is still everywhere to me.

The children in bed dreaming, the fire's blazing bright.
My true love nestles near me in the sweet and silent night,
And everything looks beautiful as far as I can see
And this good night is still everywhere to me.

His wife is one lucky woman. I also highly recommend Thrice's Alchemy Index which is an amazing set of 4 cds that masterfully spans 4 musical genres, all with stunning lyrics. I'm not sure I could name another band who could so skillfully put out such a product. A lot of their older stuff is great too, and while much of it is too hard for my liking my friends who appreciate that kind of music enjoy Thrice's older stuff as well. Moral of the story, check out Dustin Kensrue & check out Thrice; you will likely find something you enjoy.

uh oh spaghettios

2008-12-07T23:14:00.000-06:00

First of all, thank you SO much to all of you who have visited The Daybreak Project. The support & prayers I've received from many of you for it really mean a lot. We're now up to 3 names! :) The growth is somewhat slow, but I'm excited for the things God is doing and will do through it. This weekend I wrote a new post for the blog over there and will aim to post something new at least semi-regularly.

I've been on somewhat of a Spaghettios kick lately. By that I mean I've had 3 cans for various meals this week whereas before this week I can't remember the last time I had Spaghettios. They're highly underrated & very cheap at Target (half of what they cost at Ralph's). Now that I mention it, Ralph's is a funny name for a grocery store, right?

Anyway, this recent Spaghettios resurgence in my life reminded me of a specific childhood lunch. I was sitting at the kitchen table when I came across something hard from my bowl of Spaghettios. It was small, skinny, white, and to me looked very much like an uncooked piece of pasta, as if one of the O's had broken and somehow had snuck into my lunch uncooked. I showed my mom & she realized it was in fact a tooth I had lost while eating lunch--I was at the age for such things. Easiest tooth I ever lost. I remember many incidences of tonguing very loose teeth too scared to pull them or to let anyone else do it. Then of course there were the many adventures to the dentist wherein I had something like 13 teeth pulled including 4 permanent ones as my mouth simply isn't large enough for all of the teeth I'm supposed to have. Ironically I have thus far been able to keep my wisdom teeth. And there you have my random tangents into canned pasta and dentistry. I feel there is no more appropriate way to close this post than to remind you of that ever useful caution, watch for flying monkeys.

not the medicine talking

2008-12-04T23:49:00.000-06:00

The amount of sinus congestion trying to squish my brain out my ears coupled with the fact that I just took Target brand cold & sinus nighttime medication with antihistamines which will probably be knocking me out any time in the next 3-5 minutes may result in this post not making any sense. And yet I still felt the desire to post something this evening.

I hope you all had lovely Thanksgivings. Mine was fairly relaxed. I got frustrated with people who got a little cranky when the turkey wasn't done as quickly as expected--it gets done when it gets done! But that wasn't too bad. The only truly horrible part of the day was trying to get the turkey innards from the turkey and into the garbage. Nicole's office gives away free turkeys every year, which is very kind of them, however they buy slightly cheaper turkeys than I would have sprung for. Still free is free & you can't complain, that is until you stuff your arm elbow-length into a cold bird carcass expecting to pull out a neck in a bag and instead put your hand around a cold dead, non-bagged turkey neck. I'm sure my girly, heebie-jeebie reaction was quite hilarious. It's funny looking back, but in the moment I was entirely grossed out. If we get the free turkey again I'm totally going to try sweet-talking someone into de-necking the bird for me. eww.

Seems strange that Christmas is only 3 weeks away. I will be staying in LA for the first time this year. It was a hard decision to come to, but one that was necessary for me. I've been going through a lot lately. The good thing that's come out of all of this is that I've been drawing closer & closer to God. And I've started seeing a counselor. It's hard sometimes not to think, well that's for people with real problems. I've come to realize over the past year that if you're a human, living is this fallen world, you will face problems that you can't always deal with on your own. Sometimes the aid of friends or pastors is enough and sometimes it's not. This time for me it wasn't. And I have no qualms sharing with you that I'm seeing someone. She's a sweet Christian woman with children around my age. Talking to her helps me; getting the outside perspective of someone with no vested interest helps me. And the interesting thing I've come to realize through this is that many of my friends have sought counseling at one time or another in their lives. That's why I'm sharing this here with you. I know many of you faithful readers are at similar places in your lives as I am & if it helps knowing someone else has said, okay enough I need more help with my life stuff than I was getting, then I'm glad. If that's the little push you need to seek someone else to talk to, then I know God is using this difficult time in my life for something bigger than me, and really sometimes that is all I can hope for. I'm thankful for the friends who've been that push for me.

Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building?

2008-11-26T02:38:00.000-06:00

Yes. A building can't jump at all. haha have I mentioned that I love stupid jokes?

Thanksgiving has snuck up on me this year. I sort of saw it coming & sort of didn't. I mean I always knew it was there, but I didn't really think much about it. This marks Nicole's & my 4th year hosting the holiday so a lot of things nearly plan themselves & those that didn't got ignored for awhile.

Early on I pared down my cooking list as much as possible, having recently realized that it's okay to let someone else make the biscuits even if they're not what I'd make. It's even okay if the cranberry sauce is from a can as no one seems to eat it anyway. It's okay if when I go to Ralph's on Tuesday night, at nearly the last minute, they don't have 2/3rds of the items I need to make pumpkin pie so I buy one premade rather than playing Greater LA Metro area grocery store scavenger hunt. It's okay and probably even good if Martha Stewart would shudder at some of the goings on for our Thanksgiving dinner.

It matters more that we have fun. It matters more that the prep has required minimal effort especially as our friend Merlin has offered to co-host with us and have it at his place so Nicole & I aren't left with any clean-up. And it matters more that my self-worth is in no way wrapped up in being able to put together a great holiday, decorate the house beautifully (there are no fall decorations at Merlin's--gasp! ;) ), or cook a great meal.

I am a child of God, a daughter of the Most High--that's my identity & nothing else gets to shape it. I'm an amazing woman because my God made me so, even if the turkey comes out horribly wrong on Thursday. Of course it is my aim that the turkey tastes great & I'm concocting a new gravy recipe in my head that I'm very excited to put together. But regardless of what happens in 2 days I'll still be me & it'll be okay that I don't always get everything right. I'm pretty happy about that right now.

I'm also pretty happy about the pouring rain, thunder & lightning this evening. All of the sudden LA woke up and realized it was supposed to be fall. And moreso God said, hey I'm still listening, I haven't forgotten you, here's a rare thunderstorm to remind you I'm still up here. That was nice to have tonight. I hope you all have wonderful Thanksgivings! If you find yourself in LA in need of a place to go, head on over to Merlin's, we'd love to have you. :)

TDP Update

2008-11-24T00:39:00.000-06:00

I am pretty impressed with myself that I have taken on a project and been really dedicated to bringing it about--not to toot my own horn. Sometimes I get easily excited about a new project in the beginning stages & start to dive into it until life or something else gets in the way. So I'm proud of myself and pleased that tonight I published The Daybreak Project website.

Right now it's mostly a lot of reading, but I suppose that's necessary for people to know what it is. If any of you faithful & beloved blog readers have any feedback I'd really appreciate it. As I've been thinking about it over the weekend, I feel this is a ministry that God has been growing in me since college and I'm really excited to be working on this. Marriage is something I'm deeply passionate about. With the exception of those with a specific call toward celibacy, men & women were designed for marriage, a design our culture tends to get in the way of a lot, which I find extremely frustrating. But praise God that He's bigger than the roadblocks & I'm praying that we would see Him working through them more evidently and that we see a renewed passion for, commitment toward, and excitement about marriage in our communities.

Thanks for taking the time to read about this & visiting the site. If you would be praying for the list to grow I would appreciate it. I know there are a lot of women who could be on the list right now. And while the ministry is perhaps easier & shorter with a smaller list, I believe that this is a project God is calling me to for many years and I look forward to walking alongside many women, praying this dream for them, and seeing it come to fruition.

The Daybreak Project

2008-11-21T21:21:00.000-06:00

Last week a friend brought up the story of Jacob wrestling with God and how Jacob said, "I will not let you go unless you bless me." She said, don't let go, don't give up until you receive your blessing. Jacob wrestled til daybreak. I think that's metaphorically significant--the night will end, the sun will rise, and God will bless you, just hang on long enough for it. (Genesis 32:22-32)

I've been struggling with God lately. Strangely I feel my faith is at a strong point, but so is my frustration. And I realized this afternoon that I'm not just frustrated for myself, but I'm frustrated that there are several women I know whose hearts ache in the exact same way that mine does. We long to be married; we feel called to it; we hope for it; we dream of it.

The thing that's most difficult about it is that most if not all of the women who come to mind right now are amazing women of God and all of them are strong & beautiful & fun people. And for whatever reason, they like myself are continually told to wait. I'm not okay with that. And I decided I'm not letting go until God not only blesses me, but blesses all of these women.

So today I've decided that I'm going to pray fervently for Godly men to come into the lives of women who greatly desire to marry. I will be keeping a list of names so that we can rejoice in the testimonies as God answers these prayers. If this applies to you or someone you know and you feel comfortable doing so, please give me your name and/or any friends' names and I will add you/them to the list. You have my promise that I will be praying for you & your friends by name through the days of all of our "I do's" regardless of the order in which they may come.

I would also ask that any of you who feel inclined to do so join me in this project, no matter where you find yourself in life. Pray over the women on this list. Pray for the men in our communities that they would rise up in strength and courage, that they would seek wise counsel from older men as they pursue a future wife. Married people, I ask that you pray for others the blessing which you have already received. Single people, I ask that you pray alongside me and that you continue to pray with us after God blesses you with a spouse.

I am working on creating a separate website that will be a dedicated space to this for the months and years to come. I am very serious about this and I hope that many of you will join me in it. I plan to launch the site in the next few days, be on the lookout here for an update.

better than Santa Claus: Shauna's Coming to Town

2008-11-19T00:15:00.000-06:00

This has been cracking me up lately. Mind your volume; the sound quality isn't great. The song is originally from It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, but I think the random humor stands on its own & in fact I did not really begin to appreciate the song until I heard this cover by Of Montreal. I have an mp3 of it that's better quality, so if anyone finds it as amusing as I do let me know & I'd be happy to share the love.

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In Ben Hur there's a scene where the titular character is a slave on a Roman ship & he's referred to by his slave number, 41. For some reason the way one of the Roman dudes shouts out 41! has stuck with me since I first saw the film. It came to mind today as I thought, 41 days til Shauna comes to visit!

Shauna has been mentioned several times here. She is in fact the one who got me started in this whole crazy world of blogging--you can visit her blog with the link over there on the right. She is one of my dearest friends, a kindred spirit, and I can only hope that one day God will bring us to live in cities much closer to one another. In the meantime, thankfully she has been able to make quite a few trips out this way over the past several years. I am so greatly looking forward to seeing her at the end of this year. We have both had pretty difficult falls and it will be wonderful to be able to share in some of the healing process in person for a week. She told me she was going to make a countdown to her trip and I decided to follow suit, kindergarten style. Seriously, if more people exercised a lesson from kindergarten once a day or even once a week I'm pretty sure we could end war, famine, and global warming. Just think about it.

This is the art project I made last night:

It the Hooray Shauna's Coming Countdown to Winter Awesomeness! I had a great time making it & think everyone would be a lot happier if they did silly things like paper chain countdowns and coloring and coffee filter snowflakes. I went to bed with my hands smelling of crayons & I loved it! Next time you're bored or having a bad day or just have the free time I highly recommend recapturing something from kindergarten.

things to be thankful for

2008-11-17T00:29:00.000-06:00

Sunday nights are my least favorite as they mean Monday is once again right around the corner. But instead of having a bad attitude about Monday I thought I'd reflect on a few good things from the weekend.

Cheesy movies--I watched Made of Honor and Center Stage 2 this weekend. Both are about as good as they look, which means they can't really be categorized as good in any cinematic sense, but they are both amusing & were good for a little weekend escapism. Sometimes it's good not to be a movie snob, one of my favorite movie going experiences was to a film I had little desire to see, but the company was worth it and it ended up being a really fun experience.

Pumpkin pie--I bought one at Ralph's tonight. I haven't really been excited enough about fall (nor has fall really existed much) to do any pumpkin baking yet this year, so store bought pumpkin goods are a happy substitute.

2:15--I finished cooking for cafe tonight in a record 2 hours and 15 minutes! This has never happened for me in the history of cooking for cafe ever! (3 years) I was pretty stoked about that, especially as this was the first time in a really long time that I cooked by myself & honestly it would have been difficult to be in the kitchen for much longer. I'm having a hard time reclaiming my love for cooking & a part of me can't help but look toward the kitchen window & hope to see a familiar friendly face walk up. I'm somewhat glad that I don't cook for cafe again for over a month. Hopefully between now & then something will spark in me again. But! this isn't about that, this is about finishing 48 servings in 2:15. That's pretty exciting!

Bright orange sunset--there's something about smoke in the air (you may have heard about all the fires here, please be praying for everyone affected) that causes the most amazing sunsets. I imagine it has to do with the way the smoke refracts the sunlight, regardless of the reason, the sunset was fiery, neon orange tonight & it was beautiful. I like that the way my God made the world certain beautiful things are only visible after/through/in the shadow of darker or difficult things. It gives me hope that something wonderful & for His glory that I never would have appreciated as much or seen with the same eyes will come as I walk through this difficult time. I hope it eases up sooner rather than later, but whatever the timeline I have faith that He has something marvelously breathtaking planned. I am praying for it & holding out for it.

2008-11-16T02:05:00.000-06:00

I had a revelation tonight. One that would have been fantastically more helpful a year ago or even 6 months ago. Not that it isn't useful now, just would have been more immediately applicable then & who knows what might be different. But for whatever reason it didn't come til now and I have to trust in God's perfect timing and trust that when the chance does come to apply it even if it's not the chance I want right now, that I will remember well what has been uncovered in my mind. I have a deep misunderstanding of the hows and whys of this world and of my God. The world is broken so I get that things aren't often as they should be. And when it comes to God I guess if I really got Him then he wouldn't be God. Sometimes though it'd be nice if things were a smidge easier.

I can only hope that looking back on this and how it will shape the future course of my life that I will be able to say that it was well worth it.

2008-11-11T15:44:00.000-06:00

red-kissed leaves
fluttering about
in the autumn breeze
branches bow
giving sight of
the rain in the distance
bathing the mountains
change has claimed its place
waiting once again
nearly too long

let it all out, get it all out, rip it out, remove it

2008-11-09T22:27:00.000-06:00

don't be alarmed when the wound begins to bleed

cause we're so scared to find out
what this life's all about
so scared we're going to lose it
not knowing all along
that's exactly what we need

I got halfway to church tonight before I turned around and came home. Tears were too close to the surface & even though that's the one place I should feel safe to just let it out, I do not. And a part of me knows that I should have gone & not cared at all about being a crying mess in front of friends & strangers, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Life is at an extremely difficult point right now. I made a decision this week that was necessary but very tough. Even for all the difficult times I faced over the past year, this is currently the hardest part. I only pray that it does not get any more difficult because in truth I do not know how much more I can withstand. I know that God does not give us more than we can handle, but the past week has been very broken for me.

The strange part about all of this is that I had a pretty good weekend, until I came home. I spent the weekend in Rancho Cucamonga, a place about an hour away & very different from LA. I was with my friends Beth & Ryan. Beth is an amazing woman & I always feel uplifted spending time around her or talking to her. Ryan is a funny chatterbox, so there is always something to laugh about. And they have a marriage I greatly admire & God-willing I'll have one like theirs someday.

I went grocery shopping with Beth & we cooked dinner (I even ate broccoli--watch out the world might end) & saw Eagle Eye (GREAT movie) & we went to church this morning where God refreshed in me several important scriptures. It was a good day & then I got on the road to come home and started praying and crying. I felt so full of hope before I left & in truth that scares me to no end because if my hopes are dashed I will be even more devastated than I am already. But I don't know how to not hope. I don't know how to discern between hope & faith and between my heart & God's. Without hope I feel faithless and cowardly. With hope I feel like I'm risking foolishness. I know faith & hope are not separate, but I'm not sure my faith is big enough to properly inform my hope. And I can't figure out if God is bringing me to a place of surrender or if the devil is trying to attack what faith I do have & prevent it from growing into a greater force to be reckoned with.

I guess the point of all of this is that I could use a lot of prayer right now. I'm frustrated with waiting on God, with unfulfillment of dreams, with feeling directionless because the one thing I truly desire I have no power to pursue. It sucks not being a career-minded woman when the world & life require otherwise. I need a change, I need something overwhelmingly great to happen because how things are right now is not good enough.

and you said I know that this will hurt
but if I don't break your heart things will just get worse
if the burden seems too much to bear
remember the end will justify the pain it took to get us there

and I'll let it be known
at times I have shown
signs of all my weakness
but somewhere in me
there is strength

and you promise me
that you believe
in time I will defeat this
cause somewhere in me
there is strength

and today I will trust you with the confidence
of a man who's never known defeat
and I'll try my best to just forget
that that man isn't me
- Relient K, "Let It All Out" (title & all italicized parts are from this song)

fun things I saw this weekend

2008-11-03T21:37:00.001-06:00

As the potential for rain was too high for my liking for hiking on Saturday, my friend Jodi & I instead ended up walking the path by the beach away from which she lives about a block. On our walk we saw a paddle boarder, scuba divers making their way back to land, and a guy (who knew what he was doing) throwing a boomerang. It was all very out of the ordinary for my expectations of California beaches, so it was very cool.

And yesterday at The Americana which is the Grove's somewhat inferior cousin, we saw them putting up the Christmas tree. This would be one of those trees that's about 2700 feet tall. The interesting thing about these giant Christmas trees that most people don't know is that they don't come as full and pretty as they are when you see them at Christmastime. Many extra branches are somehow installed to give the tree that perfect, full Christmas tree shape. There were hundreds of branches laying all about the ground yesterday just waiting to take their part in this year's Christmas celebrations. It was quite a site. Unfortunately my camera was dead otherwise I'd have photos for you. You'll just have to take my word for it until next year I guess. The best part though was that it smelled like winter. Mmm.

random photo update

2008-11-03T01:36:00.001-06:00

So I finally went through and uploaded a bunch of photos from the past 6+ months that for whatever reason never made it onto my computer & I thought I would share a few with all of you lovely people!

Sunset in Auburn, CA

The Burger King "walk-thru" apparently.
What I most love about this though is that he's walking a dog.
Things like this are why I try to always have a camera on me.

In Coronado. This pelican outsmarted these guys.
They dropped the net they were trying to catch or shoe him away with. It was hilarious.
Coronado is a great place except for the horrible bridge you have to drive over to get there . . .
I still want to puke thinking about it.

Somewhere in Korea Town.

This squirrel watched me for several minutes on my lunch break one day.

Calabasas Pumpkin Festival
(We didn't buy any pumpkins, just took photos with them. haha)

Halloween with my friend Dan dressed as a "douche bag," wearing the most hideous hat ever.
(Would be just as hideous no matter what team was on the cap,
except the Rays, that might make it more heinous.)

The sky on Friday morning looked perfectly precipitational & cold and prompted me to check the snow report, but alas there was nothing.

The sky this morning. I thought for sure that dark spot over the mountains was going to be snow! But still no. :\

Before hair.

After hair.

And now it is much past time for bed, so I will bid you farewell. It was a (mostly) good and seemingly long weekend (more than the extra hour) but still somehow Mondays always sneak up too quickly. I will leave you with this bit of news though--my friend Jodi & I listened to Christmas music Saturday night while I was giving her a cooking lesson & it was completely fabulous. So if you've been itching to bust it out I say go for it!

is it time for spring training yet?

2008-10-30T23:29:00.000-05:00

I must say there is a (somewhat larger than I'd like to admit) part of me that wants to say haha Rays, you lost! And in truth I'm glad they did. I feel like those punks need to be taught a lesson. A part of me feels bad b/c I know that they had a dream within their grasp, they accomplished something huge in winning the AL East and the ALCS, but I really can't muster that much sympathy for them--a tiny amount but that's it. I'm glad the Phillies won, but only because they're not the Rays.

Sadly now though it means baseball is completely over for the season. Still I find myself checking the Red Sox website everyday to see what exciting things might happen in the off season. I'm also checking the Yankees site because I'm dying to know where Manny will end up. I hope the Dodgers will keep him; I think his brand of oddness is best suited for LA. Plus it would be devastating for the Yanks to have his bat. Although, I think they're smart enough not to buy up all the drama that comes along with him, especially with the hefty price tag that will certainly accompany it. We shall see.

Speaking of the Yankees, I'm pretty disappointed to hear about Joba Chamberlain's DUI. I hope that this is an isolated incident & he can get his head on straight. Would be sad to waste such talent, even if he is with my rival team.

Well it may be officially football season now (blech) but don't worry the best sport will be back for spring training before we know it! :)

Oh and on a random sidenote, I did get a haircut & do plan to post pictures, but I need new batteries for my camera, so they'll be up shortly-ish.

a life of pages waiting to be filled

2008-10-29T00:02:00.000-05:00

One of the hardest things for me in moving to LA was finding a new church. I loved the church I left back in Omaha. Over the years that church has changed beyond recognition and God has grown up in me a love for a church out here. Many Sundays go by that I leave my church with a giddy feeling in my heart. A few weeks ago in the midst of extreme financial uncertainty in the country and before the bailout had passed our pastor thanked the church for giving over $30,000.00 toward missions--that's in addition to the regular offering. I am astounded and overjoyed that the state of the economy isn't dictating the state of many people's faiths.

This past Sunday was another "I love my church" kind of day. The sermon was amazing. In some ways it spoke to what I had been praying about on my drive over, which speaks to what God is doing in and around me right now and in itself is exciting, but even aside from that the sermon was just really edifying.

It was about being called. One of my favorite moments was when Mark our Senior Pastor said, we make it a point here to have everyone call the staff by our first names because none of us is any more special than anyone else or more called by God than anyone else. We have different callings, but all of us here have been called. I love that.

He also talked about how God calls out of us our potential. He sees and calls forth what we do not yet see in ourselves and what we have not yet become. He knows what has been borne in us and he calls us to be the people we were designed to be. I don't know about you, but I find that to be rather exciting. We're always in a process of becoming, and if we're holding tight to God's hand we're progressing toward becoming what he had in mind when he thought us up, before we were knit together. It's okay that I'm not completely who I'm supposed to be yet, but God is at work & I can rejoice in that.

There's so much more to it and a whole blog or more that I could write on the importance of names & how God has a habit of changing names in the midst of a calling. Names are something about which I've long been passionate & this sermon augmented that. Perhaps I will get to it another time.

If you're interested you can check out the sermon "Called Gifted Part 1" here.

random memory

2008-10-25T01:32:00.000-05:00

Based on actual events, though probably skewed at least somewhat by the perspective of my 5 or 6-year-old self and the passage of 20 years . . .

The only boy I ever remember telling my dad I had a crush on was a kid in my class named Tommy when I was in kindergarten or 1st grade. He had blonde hair and a red backpack. I don't remember any reasons for liking him, but I'd like to think I had more to go on than blonde hair, red backpack. Not that elementary crushes are ever going to lead anywhere, but still there should be more basis than that. I mean, at least a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles backpack should be involved. ;) When I told my dad about Tommy he just scrunched up his nose & said, "That's not a very good name." (I'm sure he didn't say that exactly, but I remember him making a comment about the name & this is just how it plays out in my memory.)

Nothing ever happened with Tommy. Nothing happened with any boys for very many years after that, for which I am now very thankful. I do wonder though, what small things, nearly intangible memories such as this, go on to shape us as adolescents and adults? Did I hold back things because I didn't want unimportant or unchosen things to be judged about a person I like and therefore feel judged myself for my choice? I don't know. I'm not trying to lay blame on anyone or say I had a screwed up childhood or anything, that's not the case. I'm just wondering how much power little, 20-year-old, barely-remembered events have to shape our present, if any.

a new focus

2008-10-24T15:44:00.000-05:00

These past 2 months have been some of the most difficult I've faced in my life--I think evidenced by the volume of blogging I've done. Looking back over the past few years it seems I've done the most writing here when I've been struggling the most. And I hope to keep up the writing, though not out of the same motivation. God's been really pressing on my heart the past couple days to change my perspective & focus on that with which he's blessed me rather than on that for which he's calling me to patience. The specifics of my hopes, my dreams, my desires haven't changed. But I am confident in the restoration God will bring about, even if it doesn't shape up exactly how I think it will.

So today I bring you a list of good things, flowing out of a heart that is learning to be thankful & joyous even while grieving. I'm starting to think that time heals nothing & that only remembering how to be joyful does. Maybe joy is the only thing that can counteract and eventually overcome grief & people mistake the time it takes to remember joy as the thing that causes the healing. Regardless, here are a few good things in my life.

- I am a child of God & he holds me together and is imprinted on me even on the cellular level. Laminin! If you have no idea what I'm talking about, check this out. Quite possibly the best video you'll ever watch on YouTube.

- I have a job.

- I have a cute little green car that runs well & has a/c!

- I have a dear friend who has adopted me as the little sister she never had and she has been an amazing source of strength and wisdom for me, particularly over the past couple months. She doesn't hold back straight up truth, but she manages to offer it in a gentle and loving way. And she never makes me feel ignored or stupid for my struggles or my hopes.

- I'm taking an amazing class at my church led by one of my good friends & it has been really helpful in understanding how/why I view things as I do and ways I can work on relating in healthier manners.

- I have the best roommate on the planet.

- I had a great ice cream date last week with a dear friend whom I rarely get to see & she had some helpful insight.

- I have a woman in my office who is very encouraging & to whom I've been able to cry & come for support.

- My boss has prayed over me.

- I'm going to Rancho to spend the weekend with my friend Beth soon.

- I'm enjoying me time again.

- Red Sox fans don't use stupid cowbells to cheer on the team.

- Friends who offer sincere condolences at my team's loss

- White tea at Starbucks

- Gilmore Girls

- My new cute, white knit hat that is very appropriate for fall & winter.

- Coffee with my friend Kathy who offered me hope & encouragement & had uplifting things to say about the past year & a half and about the future.

- My ministry at my church's cafe has been a huge source of blessing for me--they ordered embroidered chef's coats for the head chefs and sent me a $50 giftcard to Sur La Table for serving the past 3 years.

- I'm inspired to bake again. I have a fun idea for a potential bakeshop. I don't know that I'll ever decide to open it, I don't really like the idea of putting down such permanent roots especially in LA and as I want to be free to go anywhere God directs me & my future husband. But it's nice to have new cookie ideas "rising" up in my mind. ;)

- I'm working through some things with my family. It's a slow and arduous process and I regret that it's not one that was started many years ago & that someone I care about very deeply who should not have been caught up in it was & was hurt by it. I'm very sorry for the hurt that was caused to everyone, but at least we're working on it now. And I know that whatever comes of it will create a space of better understanding and will pave a way for a better future and second chances and God-willing the new beginning for which I most dearly hope . . .

- I'm getting a haircut tomorrow! I haven't had one in 10 months, waaay too long so I am very excited. I'm gonna go much shorter--I'll try to post photos. :)

I hope that no matter what all of you are facing right now, you're able to remember the good things big & small that God is blessing you with everyday.

aurora borealis

2008-10-22T01:49:00.000-05:00

I'd love to travel up north--far enough to see the lights dance across the sky as they do. Far away from cities & people. I want to sit on the roof of some small town inn, wrapped in a blanket sipping earl grey creme. I think I'd feel closer to God up there, alone on the roof, watching his brush strokes in action. I've wanted to do it for several years, only before it was on a porch in rocking chairs & not alone, but still with blankets & tea. But maybe some things you just have to do by yourself, maybe clarity comes more easily to an undistracted heart. Honestly I don't believe that, not even a little, but I'm trying to convince myself. I don't want to miss out on life while I'm waiting for someone to join me on the roof, though really it'd be quite difficult to carry blankets & tea up there all by oneself...

not so long now...

2008-10-21T01:46:00.000-05:00

Twice in the past 2 days I've been told I look like I've lost weight. I've just kind of shrugged my shoulders. I don't have a scale, so honestly I couldn't tell you for sure. But I have made some attempt at eating better & I've been working out some, trying to improve leg strength in particular for snowboarding--maybe it's paying off. This is good news as snowboarding season will be upon us before you know it. I'm glad as I'm really craving cold & snow right now. And I long to conquer the mountain . . . or at least the bunny slope. ;)

I do wonder about driving up there, though. I'm not keen on mountain driving & I haven't driven in snow in I think 5 years & I know nothing of tire chains & what have you. Of course, there are few people I would trust driving on the mountain especially in snow so it may just be one of those things I have to figure out for myself. Meh. Sometimes I'd just prefer it if life were a little simpler. Oh well, I guess pursuing something worthwhile requires going through the middle of some yicky (yucky + icky) mountain driving in order not to miss out on the amazingness of one day spending more time on the board than on my bum.

2008-10-20T02:51:00.001-05:00

It's not over til it's over, but unfortunately now it is over. I'm pretty bummed about baseball tonight. I hope the Phillies beat the Rays, but in truth I am done with baseball for the season. Now I guess we'll just have to see what intrigue the off season will bring--particularly where will Manny end up? And will the Red Sox keep their catcher & team captain?

Today was a rough day, but I go to bed really thankful for my sister-in-law & that helps.

almost there & nowhere near it, all that matters is we're going

2008-10-19T01:52:00.000-05:00

Even considering the fact that my friend Jodi & I were locked out of her car for 2+ hours today, I had one of the best days I've had in nearly 2 months.

This morning started out with a trip to the Calabasas Pumpkin Festival, which we attempted to attend last year but were informed upon our arrival that it had been cancelled due to high winds and the proximity of the wildfires in Malibu. We went sad-hearted to IHOP instead--still had a good time, but not quite what we had anticipated. Well this year thankfully we were able to go, not entirely the same group unfortunately, but most of us made our return & enjoyed a pumpkiny good time.

Then this afternoon I went on a lovely hike with my friend Jodi on some bluffs overlooking the ocean. It was excellent & had been far too long since I'd gotten out for a good hike. The unfortunate incident of the keys locked in the car came next, but my plans for the evening were pretty much just to hang out with Jodi & I still got to do that, so no big loss really. Plus the people who let us use their phone to call AAA (my phone at Jodi's & Jodi's phone locked in with the keys) were very kind and had the cutest, sweetest pit bull/pointer mix & I got to play with her while we waited, so that was very nice. I look forward to when I can own a puppy.

After that the greatest part of the day happened--I know you're expecting me to mention the Red Sox game, but in fact something even better than that occurred today! See as we were driving to the hike we passed by my favorite grocery store ever--Henry's! I had no idea there was one so close to Jodi's place. I was afraid I'd never have a chance to go there again, and while the San Pedro Henry's is entirely 2nd rate to the one in Fullerton, the 2nd best version of my favorite grocery store is definitely better that zero versions of my favorite grocery store. Among other goodies, I picked up my favorite Vanilla Fig Newton bars which I have been so craving & which are way better than what Nabisco peddles, and I picked up my favorite vitamin water Vital-T which is becoming increasingly impossible to locate.

Oh and after we left Henry's I heard the bottom of the 9th of the Red Sox game & we won!! I'm STOKED about that, but really it was just icing on the cake of an already good day. Looking forward to tomorrow's game--should be a good one & I think Lester will be in good form on the mound so don't be surprised when the Sox take the AL pennant tomorrow night!

WOW!

2008-10-17T00:39:00.001-05:00

Something happened tonight that has never happened before. I take my baseball seriously & I really love it, and it can definitely get to me, but tonight was different. For the first time baseball made me cry. My Red Sox were down 5-0 in the top of the 7th, our closer had come in early because our pitching staff just couldn't hack it all night and then all too quickly we were down 7-0. And I was sad. It's been a down & out week for me due to sickness & just dealing with life. And my team was down & out and it just really got to me. I seriously considered changing the channel because I couldn't handle the potential disappointment. But something in me said, if they come back you don't want to miss it. You don't want to take your eye off the potential magic. And then in the bottom of the 7th with 2 outs, the Red Sox woke up. They started playing baseball again. The 7th closed with the score at 7-4. In the 8th we tied it up. Top of the 9th with 1 out we got out of a potentially sticky situation with a double play. And then in the bottom of the 9th with 2 outs & an ugly possibility of extra innings looming & few good pitchers available to handle them, we brought home the winning run. And just like that the Red Sox are back in it. It's still gonna take work, but again it's not over til it's over.

This is why I love baseball. I think for me it points to a larger picture of the universe. When hope seems completely futile & the last nail seems to be in the coffin something amazing happens. That's why you gotta keep believing. It doesn't always work out as you want it, but you don't want to be on a different channel for when it does. Sometimes God speaks to us exactly in ways we can understand, for me sometimes it's through baseball. Here's looking forward to Saturday--LET'S GO RED SOX!!!!

surmountable odds

2008-10-14T23:28:00.000-05:00

Sorry if you're bored by all the baseball posts lately, but it really is the greatest sport on the planet (possibly tied with cricket, but that's another story for another day) & we only have a few precious days remaining before the off season.

If you've been keeping an eye on things at all you know that tonight was another devastating loss for my Red Sox. :( But! It's not over til it's over. Surely it's a giant uphill battle, but we've been in this situation & worse before. 2004, down 3 games to none to the Yankees & made history coming back to win 4 in a row, no one had ever done that before & they were some of the tightest, closest, most heart-stopping games any fan of baseball may ever see. 2007, took game 1 against the Indians and then lost 3 in a row, exactly like our current situation, but we came back with some big wins.

Things aren't great, we'd have to pick up 3 games in a row again with questionable pitching. I think Matsuzaka & Lester can handle it--I'm assuming yesterday's game was a huge fluke for Lester & he won't let it happen again. Beckett's a wild card (who thought I'd be saying that?), but hopefully Matsuzaka can close it down on Thursday & we'll have a full rested bullpen to bail out Beckett if needed. And of course our offense has to get in the games.

It's certainly not over yet, though & if being a Red Sox fan has taught me anything it's that anything & everything is possible. Don't give up because you never know when you're gonna see a little or a lot of October magic. There are larger metaphors for the rest of life, but I'll let you draw your own.

2008-10-14T00:57:00.000-05:00

The Red Sox game REALLY didn't go as I anticipated today. I'm pretty bummed. Regardless of how things turn out, even if we win the World Series, I'm kind of curious with what I will manage to capture my attention during the off-season. Baseball, at least when it's going well, is a good distraction.

I am now the proud owner of a sewing machine; maybe I will fill my time with that. Of course I haven't sewn anything in over 10 years, so we'll see how this goes. I need to take up watercolor again too. I don't think I've painted anything in close to 3 years. Probably I should find something exciting to do too though. As much as I enjoy creative things, not many edge of your seat moments tend to occur, at least not if you're doing it right & you manage not to sew through your finger--that's the wrong kind of exciting . . .

no more cowbell!

2008-10-12T02:09:00.000-05:00

I am VERY disappointed with the horrible calls the home plate ump made tonight in the 11th inning of the Red Sox/Rays game. Look, I get it, they've been at it for 5+ hours, there's no certain end in sight, you're tired, you want to go home & go to bed. But you DO NOT MORPH THE STRIKE ZONE. Come on!! I understand that some calls are difficult to see if you're not standing right behind home plate. I get it & will begrudgingly admit that maybe sometimes a ball that looks like a strike is a ball. BUT that wasn't the case tonight. In the 11th the Rays were given a ginormous strike zone & the Red Sox were given a minuscule one. That's ridiculous. Ugh.

At least we go to Fenway now with Lester starting on Monday. I don't think the Red Sox are gonna be a team anyone's gonna want to mess with on Monday. Or for the rest of the games at Fenway for that matter. If I were a betting woman I'd say the Sox will finish this at home. Maybe that's just hope talking, but there's only one October.

If you don't hear from me for a couple days I'll be out looking for the real Josh Beckett--we're gonna need him for the World Series. Lester & Matsuzaka can't carry it all on their own. And then after that I'm gonna try to sit down with tonight's home plate ump for a "friendly" chat & show him some strike zone diagrams. And also offer to sub for him should he become too tired to do his job during extra innings. *rolls eyes*

in the moments before time starts moving backward

2008-10-11T02:17:00.000-05:00

If you like good music & clicking on links then I recommend you click this one and enjoy the stream of Copeland's new album "You Are My Sunshine" that's coming out on Tuesday. This is the first album in months to which I'm looking forward.

The other good piece of news for the day--Red Sox took game 1 of the ALCS! Woo! And hazaa! And jolly good! And whatnot! I'm trying not to find my happiness in baseball as I know the great potential of disappointment it holds in its chest, and true happiness cannot come from earthly things, but let's just say that it helps my days a lot right now. God helps more, but baseball is certainly not hurting. I really hope it can stay that way. A World Series repeat would be quite exciting.

my phone is somewhat broken!

2008-10-09T19:58:00.001-05:00

Friends, enemies, amiable passersby,

If you try to text me and I don't respond then my stupid phone probably rejected it & I have no way of telling who tried to text me. Sooo please use the old fashioned method of calling OR just keep texting your brains out til you get a response. Sorry for the inconvenience. I'll get a non-wonky phone as soon as Sprint lowers the price on one I actually like or on a pink one, whichever comes first. Yes I would buy a phone just because it's pink, in fact I have my eye on one right now, should the price become more reasonable. ;)

welcome to October

2008-10-02T02:13:00.000-05:00

(This starts off bad, but it gets better I promise!)

For most of the day I felt like Azina and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. The day started off with needing air in my tires & one of them I just couldn't get a good seal on so instead of air going in, air only came out. I asked for help from the gas station mechanic & he told me the tires were full enough (they were not) and treated me like just some dumb girl. Now, I know I'm not dumb & some random stranger doesn't hold enough power over me to make me feel bad about myself, but it was frustrating & a waste of time & HOT. He did put some air in & the car drove much better--imagine that! I ended up being slightly late to work, but I called my boss to let him know & it was no problem. Work in itself was just frustrating for a million reasons. I had a frustrating email from a friend to whom I laid out some things from my heart & she made me feel completely misunderstood & glossed over. And it was an unholy amount of HOT outside today. It's the first day of October! If the weather didn't get the memo last week on the first day of fall, surely by now it should start realizing it's time to cool off & maybe rain a little, right??? Apparently not.

Well it didn't cool off, even now we're hanging out around 80, but the day did pick up. I got an email from another friend & she had some very wise & comforting words. Then I was picked up from work by my roomie & one of her co-workers who had free tickets to the So You Think You Can Dance tour. And the show tonight was A-MAZ-ING! Wow. Seriously, if you like the show even a smidge, I think you'd love the tour. Sooo good.

Before the show they had been playing music over the speakers and one song started that threatened to tear mightily at my heart and wouldn't you know about 15 seconds into the song they finally started the show, about 25 minutes late. I felt such a blessing & relief wash over me in that moment.

Something else fantastic happened tonight, can't quite remem--ohhh that's right! The Red Sox won game 1 of the ALDS against the nearly unstoppable Angels! And my wonderful baby brother (sorry Ravi, no matter how old you get or how much bigger than me you are, you'll always be my baby brother) was texting me with score updates. Pretty much can't beat that.

Here's hoping October can stay on this upward trend. I'd love for a Red Sox World Series repeat, I'd love to feel understood & loved by those in my life, I'd love to be able to recognize blessing no matter the size, and I'd love to have joy like I did tonight.

Hope your Octobers have started off well or that they shape up pretty quickly.

Now if we could only address this weather thing . . .

note to self

2008-09-30T00:50:00.001-05:00

Don't make plans in October! Thankfully the Red Sox are in the postseason, but I will be missing games 1 & 2 of the ALDS against the Angels. Hopefully I will be able to watch game 3, which may or may not be the last game of the series depending on how things go. And in the event that we make the World Series, for which I have to hope, I will have to push back my tentatively planned apple orcharding as it would interfere with game 4.

Additional note to self: find friends who watch baseball & will understand my need not to make plans during October. Seriously, no one gets the awesomeness, they all seem to think it's football season or something ridiculous like that. Sigh.

unexpected wonder

2008-09-23T01:24:00.000-05:00

I have a fondness for balloons in places they don't belong, little bright spots in an otherwise unremarkable place. I almost always take a picture. I have countless photos of balloons floating randomly off to who knows where. This photo is from last week & by far my favorite. Of course when they're flying off to unknown locales I do always worry that they'll end up in the ocean & harm poor turtles or dolphins--by far the best sea creatures as sometimes they will best sharks & that's pretty badass. I know errant balloons do cause trouble, but I have to hope that the ones I see end up in Never Never Land or something instead. Second star to the right, straight on til morning . . .