reverie

A brief history of the last three-and-a-half years. 2017 Texas hit by Hurricane Harvey. 2017 Moved. 2017 Lost a job. 2018 Moved. 2018 Lost another job. 2019 Lost another job. 2020 A friend was murdered. And her sons. 2020 And then the rest of 2020 happened. 2020 Moved back to my home state. 2021 Moved again. Sprinkle in a significant amount of relational and religious turmoil, and I am not okay. My friend's memorial nearly a year ago was the last event I attended and the last time I would hug anyone for seven-and-a-half months. We all knew the risks of attending. COVID was confirmed to be in our county. No one was wearing masks yet. No one had any. A few friends had to skip due to health concerns. COVID shutdowns began shortly after. Seven-and-a-half months without a hug while grieving and navigating physically alone. Friends were as present as possible and I cherish the socially distanced hangs and the phone conversations. But I am not good at taking up space. And sometimes when y

I am slow at things.  Sometimes I'm being methodical.  Sometimes I'm giving in to fear.  Sometimes I just don't know what to do, so I don't until I figure it out. I've always been this way.  Sometimes it shows up in really nice & intentional ways. Sometimes it looks and FEELS a lot like failure.  Like today.  I had been planning to go check out a new church this morning.  And this morning came and I just kind of panicked.  I panicked about what I was going to wear & if I'd feel cute enough to feel confident enough to meet new people.  I panicked about driving somewhere unknown.  I panicked about having to figure out parking.  But mostly I panicked about going by myself. I do so many things on my own, and I enjoy my autonomy so much most of the time, but this morning I just couldn't.  And I cried, and I went back to bed, and then I showed up late to my current church. Pushing past what's known & what's comfortable can be so difficult. 

It's been 10 years since I've been in a serious relationship.  There have been a handful of dates since then, but nothing meaningful, and no second dates primarily (fairly certain entirely) at my choosing. God has been doing a lot of untangling in my heart of late--one of the friendlier ways my verse of the year has been playing out in my life. The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.  Exodus 14:14, NIV All I ever wanted to be was a wife and mom.  Any other ambition I had outside of that was extremely secondary.  Until now. Details to come, but I'm pursuing something with my art that would be far more difficult if I had a family.  And the truth of the matter is that I know myself well enough to admit that I almost certainly wouldn't even try to pursue it if I had a family. I'm confident I'm on the right path for a number of reasons, but the most important is that God keeps whispering peace to my heart and hope & joy to my soul. Another r

It's been a minute.  Somehow we're 25% through 2018.  Somehow I've been at the paint studio I manage for 5 years.  Somehow time marches more swiftly by the minute.  I've heard that has something to do with getting older.  If so by the time I'm 50 a year will feel like 5 seconds.  Apparently time travel is a real thing. Good Friday is the unofficial anniversary of when I started at the paint studio.  Unofficial only because I started on Good Friday, but Good Friday does not fall on the same day every year.  :) I love Good Friday.  It's the day that we all need.  Obviously in the very real sense of we all need Jesus and Good Friday marks when he died for our sins.  But also in the sense of how crucial perspective is. If we look at Good Friday on Friday, we see defeat.  We see that moment where you just stop breathing because this can't possibly be happening.  This can't be real.  If Jesus is the Messiah how did he let this happen?  What?  Why?  This

As with every new year, 2018 invariably brings along oodles of resolutions to lose weight, diet, join a gym.  If this is you, I have some words of encouragement and some pleas for you.  If that isn't you, most of these things still apply. 1. Don't approach 2018 with the mindset of punishing yourself.  Your body is amazing and wonderful.  Whether you're 100 pounds or 500 pounds or anywhere above, below, or in between, you are amazing.  You are created by the God who made the stars and mountains and trees and snow and hummingbirds and Northern Lights and pineapples.  That same artist made you.  You are a masterpiece, so please treat yourself (and everyone else) as one.  You do not deserve to be punished for not meeting the modern notion of how your body should look.  Your body is capable of marvelous things, work toward achieving some of those, like rad yoga poses or learning to dance, rather than beating yourself up. 2. Strike the word diet from your vocabulary.  Ye

Why do I believe in impossible things?  Because snow in Texas.  Because the Red Sox won the 2004 ALCS (and WS).  Because without fail the expectant yet weary hope of advent yields the birth of the Savior. I stood outside waiting for it to snow tonight.  From the first moment anyone dared mention the possibility of snow in the forecast, if all of the the variables lined up perfectly of course, my hopes skyrocketed.  I was certain it had to happen.  In a year of freak weather events, certainly snow had to be among them. I gasped as the snow started in earnest.  No matter how many times I see snow, it's always magical.  But it's especially wonderful in Texas where it "doesn't snow."  I had to hold back happy tears so they wouldn't freeze on my face.  But I delighted in this gift.  Thank you, Jesus. At youth group last night we talked about something in our lives that feels impossible or unimaginable.  As I sit here wrapped in so many pajama layers, a down comf