He asked me, "What has impressed upon you of late? What mysteries of the world have made themselves known?" I had to laugh. These questions implied that I had been paying attention to anything in the world outside of myself. I feel consumed and drawn in. I cannot contemplate the mysteries right now. I am busy considering depressing realities. I am immersed in conflicting emotions of inexplicable happiness and sorrow brought upon by starving hopes. The mystery I am grappling with is how words and emotions can be so utterly misleading. I want to shelter my heart, keep it from searching but I fear building walls that may be too difficult to tear down. And so I risk. What has impressed upon me? Aside from the ever present concern about finances, all that has been pressing on me is thinking about how soon I will be 23. And I worry just a bit that I have not changed in the past year. In the deepest parts of my mind I know this is not true. I have learned to live by myself. I have eaten countless lunches alone and even gathered the strength to see movies by myself. But what if in the important things I have not progressed? This is what I fear. I do not wish to be asked the deep and meaningful questions. For right now I have no deep and meaningful answers. I shed a tear that he would even think to ask me these things, not simply because I have put no thought toward them recently but also because I fear my answers do not matter at least not how I would want them to. I'm pretty sure he doesn't realize that.
I hope your rambles have been sweet and your reveries spacious. - Emily Dickinson
Comments
1) An emotionally handcuffed childhood has taught me that it is easier to express these things in writing as opposed to (God forbid) actually having a close conversation with someone.
2) I want the whole damn world to know that I am proud of my younger-older sister.
Perhaps it is that you have no deep and meaningful answers because for once in your life you are living them instead of holding them. You are the model of patience and perseverence. You wait for the right job to come along, and you continue to follow your dream day after day, having only one new friend and the faithful old to urge you onward. You have embraced the American dream and the ideals of an independent woman, but you hold fast to the true image of femininity that is laid out in the Bible. You have struck out on your own to beat a path from your mind to the hearts of a hungry audience who will someday devour your messages and images, and yet you revel in the thought of your own impending "pregnant waddle." When I speak with old friends who ask about you, I proudly tell them of your new life in a very big city. Many of them ask, "Who would've thought that Azina . . . ?" And I answer with great respect that you have exceeded my expectations and imagination and are striving to fulfill your potential in such a way that so many others in this world would benefit from taking your lead. While you can anticipate any and all sorts of silliness and jesting at your ripe old age of 23 come February 19th, know that this day and everyday I am proud of you and that you are an amazing bearer of our surname. I love you.