reverie

I am slow at things.  Sometimes I'm being methodical.  Sometimes I'm giving in to fear.  Sometimes I just don't know what to do, so I don't until I figure it out. I've always been this way.  Sometimes it shows up in really nice & intentional ways. Sometimes it looks and FEELS a lot like failure.  Like today.  I had been planning to go check out a new church this morning.  And this morning came and I just kind of panicked.  I panicked about what I was going to wear & if I'd feel cute enough to feel confident enough to meet new people.  I panicked about driving somewhere unknown.  I panicked about having to figure out parking.  But mostly I panicked about going by myself. I do so many things on my own, and I enjoy my autonomy so much most of the time, but this morning I just couldn't.  And I cried, and I went back to bed, and then I showed up late to my current church. Pushing past what's known & what's comfortable can be so difficult.