I wanted to be Gideon. I think I got that wish. I don't think I want that anymore. It sucks. I wanted God to use me not because I was qualified but because I was willing to serve him in spite of myself. So he said, hey how about you go to LA. Fun times for everyone. Not sure how the Gideon desire got through stronger than anything else. What I really wanted was a good life, to be a wife and to raise a family. It's why I started learning how to cook at a young age. I wanted to serve my family & my God, to be known as my husband's wife and my children's mom, a woman who genuinely cared and loved God. I want to be a youth group sponsor and sing on the p&w team. That's all I've ever really wanted. And somehow I find myself here so far removed from anything remotely close to those things in a world that hurts a lot. And I feel like God has put me on hold & if I stay on the line long enough he'll come back and ask me what I was holding for, but the hold music is getting repetitive & I don't want to listen to it anymore. But I don't know how to change it. I tried setting the phone down next to me for a bit just in hearing range while I worked on other things, but that didn't change anything. I don't want to be Gideon anymore. I want what I've always wanted. I'm trying to do what you asked. So why won't you show me where to go? And why won't you grant me these simple things?

(I sincerely apologize for the extended metaphor, I know they are evil.)