Joshua Harris confused me and so I ran and hid in a corner afraid to even talk to girls

That's what I think should be the title of a new book explaining this whole dating "crisis." I was at Red Robin this weekend with 4 girls and 4 guys and the topic of dating came up. It seems to me that whenever such a discussion is brought up Joshua Harris (author of I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Boy Meets Girl) garners a lot of unfair blame. Now I'm not saying that I'm the president of the JH fan club or that he's completely right about everything, but I think he has some good points that a lot of us are missing. It's been a very long time since I've read these books and perhaps some of the things I am about to say are actually just wisdom from my own little head, though I'm pretty sure a lot of it was at the very least influenced by these books. I think most of you are aware of how important I think it is for a guy to step up and be a man when it comes to relationships, but I also disagree with the idea of dating for the sake of dating. That's part of what JH was getting at. He wasn't asking people to not date until God reveals to us the one we should marry. That's like sitting around and not applying for any jobs until God makes some completely random employer call you and say hey I think we should hire you. It's crazy, so why we would even consider taking such an approach to a more critical and lifelong decision is a mystery to me. Of course that is not to say that you sit down and send out your resume to every single job posting that you see. That's crazy also. There has to be a good mix of prayer and discernment coupled with action. This is where guys tend to drop the ball or at the very least that is what we girls are perceiving. It seems that a lot of sitting around and praying is going on with very little action. We do not expect you to know for certain that you are going to marry a girl before you start dating her. You wouldn't accept a job without interviewing. But you should have some indication that maybe this is a relationship that could go somewhere. The logical next step is to start dating to see if this is a person you could marry. This is what I think JH was trying to tell us. He was asking us to step away from the hurtful and selfish pattern of serial dating. He was asking us to be straightforward with people and for guys to have a reason for asking a girl out. And I think he was asking girls to have a reason for agreeing other than to have plans on a Friday night. He was also asking us not to play house, to allow friends of the opposite sex to fill the needs that a significant other would or to be that person who is filling needs with no intention of commitment. If you are that person all you are doing is giving someone a false sense of hope AND preventing him/her from seeing the other dating possibilities out there. That is absolutely no way to be a friend. Now when it comes to taking that step of dating and being straightforward I'm not saying that you should say hey I think we could get married let's date for awhile to see. What you should do is say hey I really enjoy our friendship and the time we spend together and I think this could go somewhere. I would like to take you out and we can decide if this is a relationship we would like to pursue together. I am aware that one or both of us may decide that this is not the right relationship and at that time we agree to end it respectfully. The key difference there is that we don't delude ourselves into thinking that there is only one possible outcome, that we are honest about what we are hoping for but realistic that it may not happen. That is the kind of thing JH was getting at as far as I'm concerned. He wanted us to turn our dating relationships into ones that honor and seek the best for the other person. He wanted us to stop trying to keep ourselves from feeling lonely by going out with any person that suited us at the time. He was asking us to be intentional and to treat those we date with love and respect. I don't know about you but I can't really see a problem with that. If you don't end up marrying the person you are with then they will be someone else's spouse in the future, that requires you to treat the person with a great amount of respect. If you do end up marrying the person then I think it goes without saying that you would want to treat them extremely well. At the end of the day dating is a very imperfect system, but we should strive to make our best out of it. That is what JH was ultimately calling us to: respectful, honoring and loving action when it comes to our relationships, not weakness or inaction. So take a minute and think about that and consider how that might better your approach to dating. Or take a minute and come up with a clever retort. Either way just think about it while I go and put my soapbox back in the closet.