don't be alarmed when the wound begins to bleed
cause we're so scared to find out
what this life's all about
so scared we're going to lose it
not knowing all along
that's exactly what we need
I got halfway to church tonight before I turned around and came home. Tears were too close to the surface & even though that's the one place I should feel safe to just let it out, I do not. And a part of me knows that I should have gone & not cared at all about being a crying mess in front of friends & strangers, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Life is at an extremely difficult point right now. I made a decision this week that was necessary but very tough. Even for all the difficult times I faced over the past year, this is currently the hardest part. I only pray that it does not get any more difficult because in truth I do not know how much more I can withstand. I know that God does not give us more than we can handle, but the past week has been very broken for me.
The strange part about all of this is that I had a pretty good weekend, until I came home. I spent the weekend in Rancho Cucamonga, a place about an hour away & very different from LA. I was with my friends Beth & Ryan. Beth is an amazing woman & I always feel uplifted spending time around her or talking to her. Ryan is a funny chatterbox, so there is always something to laugh about. And they have a marriage I greatly admire & God-willing I'll have one like theirs someday.
I went grocery shopping with Beth & we cooked dinner (I even ate broccoli--watch out the world might end) & saw Eagle Eye (GREAT movie) & we went to church this morning where God refreshed in me several important scriptures. It was a good day & then I got on the road to come home and started praying and crying. I felt so full of hope before I left & in truth that scares me to no end because if my hopes are dashed I will be even more devastated than I am already. But I don't know how to not hope. I don't know how to discern between hope & faith and between my heart & God's. Without hope I feel faithless and cowardly. With hope I feel like I'm risking foolishness. I know faith & hope are not separate, but I'm not sure my faith is big enough to properly inform my hope. And I can't figure out if God is bringing me to a place of surrender or if the devil is trying to attack what faith I do have & prevent it from growing into a greater force to be reckoned with.
I guess the point of all of this is that I could use a lot of prayer right now. I'm frustrated with waiting on God, with unfulfillment of dreams, with feeling directionless because the one thing I truly desire I have no power to pursue. It sucks not being a career-minded woman when the world & life require otherwise. I need a change, I need something overwhelmingly great to happen because how things are right now is not good enough.
and you said I know that this will hurt
but if I don't break your heart things will just get worse
if the burden seems too much to bear
remember the end will justify the pain it took to get us there
and I'll let it be known
at times I have shown
signs of all my weakness
but somewhere in me
there is strength
and you promise me
that you believe
in time I will defeat this
cause somewhere in me
there is strength
and today I will trust you with the confidence
of a man who's never known defeat
and I'll try my best to just forget
that that man isn't me
- Relient K, "Let It All Out" (title & all italicized parts are from this song)
cause we're so scared to find out
what this life's all about
so scared we're going to lose it
not knowing all along
that's exactly what we need
I got halfway to church tonight before I turned around and came home. Tears were too close to the surface & even though that's the one place I should feel safe to just let it out, I do not. And a part of me knows that I should have gone & not cared at all about being a crying mess in front of friends & strangers, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Life is at an extremely difficult point right now. I made a decision this week that was necessary but very tough. Even for all the difficult times I faced over the past year, this is currently the hardest part. I only pray that it does not get any more difficult because in truth I do not know how much more I can withstand. I know that God does not give us more than we can handle, but the past week has been very broken for me.
The strange part about all of this is that I had a pretty good weekend, until I came home. I spent the weekend in Rancho Cucamonga, a place about an hour away & very different from LA. I was with my friends Beth & Ryan. Beth is an amazing woman & I always feel uplifted spending time around her or talking to her. Ryan is a funny chatterbox, so there is always something to laugh about. And they have a marriage I greatly admire & God-willing I'll have one like theirs someday.
I went grocery shopping with Beth & we cooked dinner (I even ate broccoli--watch out the world might end) & saw Eagle Eye (GREAT movie) & we went to church this morning where God refreshed in me several important scriptures. It was a good day & then I got on the road to come home and started praying and crying. I felt so full of hope before I left & in truth that scares me to no end because if my hopes are dashed I will be even more devastated than I am already. But I don't know how to not hope. I don't know how to discern between hope & faith and between my heart & God's. Without hope I feel faithless and cowardly. With hope I feel like I'm risking foolishness. I know faith & hope are not separate, but I'm not sure my faith is big enough to properly inform my hope. And I can't figure out if God is bringing me to a place of surrender or if the devil is trying to attack what faith I do have & prevent it from growing into a greater force to be reckoned with.
I guess the point of all of this is that I could use a lot of prayer right now. I'm frustrated with waiting on God, with unfulfillment of dreams, with feeling directionless because the one thing I truly desire I have no power to pursue. It sucks not being a career-minded woman when the world & life require otherwise. I need a change, I need something overwhelmingly great to happen because how things are right now is not good enough.
and you said I know that this will hurt
but if I don't break your heart things will just get worse
if the burden seems too much to bear
remember the end will justify the pain it took to get us there
and I'll let it be known
at times I have shown
signs of all my weakness
but somewhere in me
there is strength
and you promise me
that you believe
in time I will defeat this
cause somewhere in me
there is strength
and today I will trust you with the confidence
of a man who's never known defeat
and I'll try my best to just forget
that that man isn't me
- Relient K, "Let It All Out" (title & all italicized parts are from this song)
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