(for part 1 go here)
And here tonight while the stars are blacking out
With every hope and dream I've ever had in doubt
I've spent ten years trying to sing these doubts away
But the water keeps on falling from my eyes
And heaven knows, heaven knows
I tried to find a cure for the pain
Oh my Lord! To suffer like you do
It would be a lie to run away
So blood is fire pulsing through our veins
We're either writers or fools behind the reigns
I've spent ten years trying to sing it all way
But the water keeps on falling from my tries
- The Cure For Pain - Jon Foreman
I am all too keenly aware that difficult times are character building. Sometimes though it'd be rather nice to have more mountaintops or plateaus even than valleys. While a lot has changed in the past 5 years and I like the woman God's been growing me into, sometimes it's hard not to think that for all the heartache not enough has changed. I still have days where I fight against the idea of packing it all in, giving up, and leaving LA.
I keep getting asked the question of where I see myself in a year, in 5 years. Honestly, I have no idea. None. I know where I hope to be emotionally, spiritually, relationally but I don't know how to get from here to there. I think sometimes I can't think about where I see myself in 5 years because I have to focus on today, and the next day, and the next day before I can turn my attention to 1826 days from now.
I am figuring out that I need some sort of new direction, though. I'm really not sure what that should be. I'm not career minded enough to get very far in film & I'm quite okay with that. This industry can be soul-crushing and I have no intention in being involved in it for very many more years. So that leaves me wondering what to do.
My dear friend Shauna asked if I'd ever considered taking counseling classes. I have and didn't pursue a career in counseling as I would certainly die from empathy, but I have been thinking that it could aid my ministry. I did a little looking into it, though in truth the cost is a huge deterrent. I haven't given up on thinking about it yet. And if not this, I've got to find something. If anyone has any thoughts, I'm open to them. It's really difficult figuring out what to do with your life when all you really want to do is be a wife & a mom and God keeps telling you to wait. How do you find direction and live meaningfully when you can't pursue what you really dream of? I'm struggling with that one.
I don't believe in coincidences anyway, but it was certainly no mistake that I was reminded of this passage today:
". . . we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."
- Romans 5:3-5
And here tonight while the stars are blacking out
With every hope and dream I've ever had in doubt
I've spent ten years trying to sing these doubts away
But the water keeps on falling from my eyes
And heaven knows, heaven knows
I tried to find a cure for the pain
Oh my Lord! To suffer like you do
It would be a lie to run away
So blood is fire pulsing through our veins
We're either writers or fools behind the reigns
I've spent ten years trying to sing it all way
But the water keeps on falling from my tries
- The Cure For Pain - Jon Foreman
I am all too keenly aware that difficult times are character building. Sometimes though it'd be rather nice to have more mountaintops or plateaus even than valleys. While a lot has changed in the past 5 years and I like the woman God's been growing me into, sometimes it's hard not to think that for all the heartache not enough has changed. I still have days where I fight against the idea of packing it all in, giving up, and leaving LA.
I keep getting asked the question of where I see myself in a year, in 5 years. Honestly, I have no idea. None. I know where I hope to be emotionally, spiritually, relationally but I don't know how to get from here to there. I think sometimes I can't think about where I see myself in 5 years because I have to focus on today, and the next day, and the next day before I can turn my attention to 1826 days from now.
I am figuring out that I need some sort of new direction, though. I'm really not sure what that should be. I'm not career minded enough to get very far in film & I'm quite okay with that. This industry can be soul-crushing and I have no intention in being involved in it for very many more years. So that leaves me wondering what to do.
My dear friend Shauna asked if I'd ever considered taking counseling classes. I have and didn't pursue a career in counseling as I would certainly die from empathy, but I have been thinking that it could aid my ministry. I did a little looking into it, though in truth the cost is a huge deterrent. I haven't given up on thinking about it yet. And if not this, I've got to find something. If anyone has any thoughts, I'm open to them. It's really difficult figuring out what to do with your life when all you really want to do is be a wife & a mom and God keeps telling you to wait. How do you find direction and live meaningfully when you can't pursue what you really dream of? I'm struggling with that one.
I don't believe in coincidences anyway, but it was certainly no mistake that I was reminded of this passage today:
". . . we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."
- Romans 5:3-5
Comments
I hesitate in even leaving this comment, but I don't believe they are my own...you asked,
"How do you find direction and live meaningfully when you can't pursue what you really dream of?"
And I might have your answer. Perhaps it is YOUR dream, not His. Perhaps what you equate as a meaningful life, is not what God equates as the most abundant life for you, right now, today.
Perhaps the passion and desire He has allowed to brew in your heart for family, marriage, and motherhood are they to fulfill a bigger plan GOD has for your life. And perhaps, just perhaps, by focusing so much on the only way you can wrap your mind around those "dreams" you miss altogether the opportunities He has for you to use them for the Kingdom.
I know this doesn't specifically answer any of your heart's longings, but I can't help but wonder if God isn't desperately trying to change the perspective from which you see your life?
I appreciate the time & thought you've put into this comment.
Obviously, for whatever reason being a wife & a mom is not what God has in store for me right now, today. That doesn't mean it's not okay to desire it. It was God in the garden who said, "it is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him" (Gen. 2:18, NIV). Since woman was created to fulfill that role of partnership with man, I think it can be inferred that neither is it good for woman to be alone. (Save for specific callings toward celibacy.) Even at the closest the human race has ever been to God, doing His work daily, something was missing.
I am frustrated that God hasn't fulfilled this dream for me (one that has been in my heart for over 20 years), but that doesn't mean I'm ignoring the things He does have for me to do right now for His Kingdom--many of which will likely carry on once I am married & have a family. My struggle is that there is nothing that I can tangibly do to pursue what I desire. Other dreams you can go to school for, get internships, study the great works of artists/writers before you, climb corporate ladders, etc. What avenues do you pursue when you want to be a wife and a mom? I don't know. So toward what other directions do I look right now? That's what I'm trying to figure out. What am I passionate enough to pursue that will also pay the bills & not put me further into debt?
These are questions to which I don't have answers currently. I'm looking for an additional dream, one that God hasn't revealed to me yet. Maybe that's counseling as my friend Shauna suggested. Maybe it's something else. I don't know yet. All I know is I'm never gonna settle for less than God's best and I think that includes marriage. I think it is a right and good desire; it is God's design. And I'm not going to pretend it doesn't matter to me or at times well up in me frustration & tears at it's unfulfillment.
I understand the concern about "dying of empathy," though. I sometimes wonder how our school counselors survive, as I'm consistently drowning under the weight of hurting students and they see so much more than I do. I'm sure that's part of what you'd learn, though.
Good point about learning how to handle empathy. I'll keep considering this whole thing...