This first part in italics was written last week. The non-italicized part that follows is where I am tonight. Praise God for change.
Lately I feel like a complete fraud. I'm not excited about church or p&w or truthfully even God. I sat in church last Sunday going through the motions, singing songs simply because I had them memorized, bored by the sermon, and overall feeling nothing. And it's scary & frustrating. I hope it's just fatigue with a sermon series that has dragged on for 3+ months, but honestly I'm not sure & that's frightening.
I'm at a point right now where even though in my head I know I'm incredibly blessed in a lot of ways, I find myself measuring my life by what I don't have. And more frustratingly by what seemingly everyone else around me, with few exceptions, does have. I'm hurt and I'm angry. I'm in a faith desert & I don't like it one bit. Only I have no idea where to find an oasis.
Blessed be your name
when I'm found in the desert place
though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name
We sang that song tonight. It's been one of those recurring songs that pops up at just the right moments in my life. When things like that happen, I just feel God saying, "Look I'm still here. I still have a good & great & wonderful plan for you. I know it's hard, but even when you can't see it, know that I do. I'm bigger than your doubts; I'm bigger than your fears." I really needed to hear that tonight. I spent pretty much my whole weekend chilling out at home, watching a lot of TV & relaxing. It was much too hot for a penguin to be outside. And more than that I just needed a break. I needed not to have to worry about anything. It was perfect and capped off by a great night at church, which was the only activity I did all weekend.
I'm feeling rejuvenated and less hurt & angry. I spent a lot of last week just telling God how upset I was with Him & it didn't feel freeing at the time, which only became more frustrating. But I see now that being open with Him gave Him space to come in, pick up those hurts & fill in holes with His spirit. Tonight wouldn't have been the same without the angry prayers that preceded it. Tonight was freeing.
What happens from here? I don't know exactly. I am trying to have new focus, working toward new goals, and trying to have a heart that learns renewal in God. If I'm not happy in Him, I never will be. Trying to keep that in mind.
Lately I feel like a complete fraud. I'm not excited about church or p&w or truthfully even God. I sat in church last Sunday going through the motions, singing songs simply because I had them memorized, bored by the sermon, and overall feeling nothing. And it's scary & frustrating. I hope it's just fatigue with a sermon series that has dragged on for 3+ months, but honestly I'm not sure & that's frightening.
I'm at a point right now where even though in my head I know I'm incredibly blessed in a lot of ways, I find myself measuring my life by what I don't have. And more frustratingly by what seemingly everyone else around me, with few exceptions, does have. I'm hurt and I'm angry. I'm in a faith desert & I don't like it one bit. Only I have no idea where to find an oasis.
Blessed be your name
when I'm found in the desert place
though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name
We sang that song tonight. It's been one of those recurring songs that pops up at just the right moments in my life. When things like that happen, I just feel God saying, "Look I'm still here. I still have a good & great & wonderful plan for you. I know it's hard, but even when you can't see it, know that I do. I'm bigger than your doubts; I'm bigger than your fears." I really needed to hear that tonight. I spent pretty much my whole weekend chilling out at home, watching a lot of TV & relaxing. It was much too hot for a penguin to be outside. And more than that I just needed a break. I needed not to have to worry about anything. It was perfect and capped off by a great night at church, which was the only activity I did all weekend.
I'm feeling rejuvenated and less hurt & angry. I spent a lot of last week just telling God how upset I was with Him & it didn't feel freeing at the time, which only became more frustrating. But I see now that being open with Him gave Him space to come in, pick up those hurts & fill in holes with His spirit. Tonight wouldn't have been the same without the angry prayers that preceded it. Tonight was freeing.
What happens from here? I don't know exactly. I am trying to have new focus, working toward new goals, and trying to have a heart that learns renewal in God. If I'm not happy in Him, I never will be. Trying to keep that in mind.
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