I take comfort in knowing that if God has marriage in mind for me it will be better than my daydreams.* If He doesn't, that will be better too. It's been a long road to get to a place where I trust God enough with my future and my heart that I can write this, believe it, and not delete it out of fear it may actually come true.
God knows my desire to marry and raise a family. If you've been around here much, you know it too. But I know that God can shape and refine the desires of my heart for my good and the good of His kingdom.
I'm realizing that it's no mistake that we often talk about comfort in terms of "finding" or "taking" it. Comfort isn't something that accidentally appears in your life. Comfort requires action. Sometimes that action is on the part of others through prayer, hugs, shoulders to cry on, or ears to hear.
I wrote that first part over a year ago. As it turns out, I could write it, but not quite post it yet. What I'm writing next, today, is why I have the courage to post this now.
This week that action was on the part of a friend who took me to lunch and made me cry. Ha! I know that doesn't sound very comforting, but a friend who knows and cares enough to ask questions about what's going on in your life and let's you cry over tacos because sometimes that's how truth pours out is a comfort and a blessing indeed. A friend who knows exactly how you feel because she feels it too (even if you wish she didn't) makes you feel seen and less alone.
And let me be clear, I am happy. I have a great life. I enjoy my 7 (yes, seven) jobs. I love Texas. I am blessed beyond measure to live with family. Sometimes, though, unmet expectations shout a little louder and the desire for a teammate aches a little stronger. But when I look around I know that I am blessed with a team I can count on. We all have each others' backs and so does God. I take comfort in that.
So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
*This is not a statement born out of fairytale naivete, but rather out of faith. I am under as few illusions about marriage as someone who isn't married probably can be, but I also know I serve a God whose imagination is bigger and better than my own, so whatever His plan, it is beautiful, and good, and for His glory.
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