I am slow at things. Sometimes I'm being methodical. Sometimes I'm giving in to fear. Sometimes I just don't know what to do, so I don't until I figure it out.
I've always been this way. Sometimes it shows up in really nice & intentional ways.
Sometimes it looks and FEELS a lot like failure. Like today. I had been planning to go check out a new church this morning. And this morning came and I just kind of panicked. I panicked about what I was going to wear & if I'd feel cute enough to feel confident enough to meet new people. I panicked about driving somewhere unknown. I panicked about having to figure out parking. But mostly I panicked about going by myself.
I do so many things on my own, and I enjoy my autonomy so much most of the time, but this morning I just couldn't. And I cried, and I went back to bed, and then I showed up late to my current church.
Pushing past what's known & what's comfortable can be so difficult. I'm in for another year of transition, I already know that. And while that can be really exciting and full of good new things, it can also be really difficult.
My best friend and I haven't lived in the same city in 15 years. I had a close friend move away last year. And another is leaving soon.
Those things I don't have control over. So sometimes it feels crazy to try to break free from the comfortable things I do have control over. Why put myself out there if I don't have to?
Because, I guess, sometimes change can be good. I could become really successful with my art. I could figure out more of my purpose. I could meet someone who makes changing my relationship status worthwhile.
I'll get there, eventually. Slowly but slowly. But for today, I stayed in my box. And there were things about it that were really nice and there were things about it that made me cry. Hopefully I can figure out a better balance.
I'm posting this with the faith that I will look back and see that Jesus has done beautiful things with this year, and that some of the scary things will prove to be worth it.
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