no not making like a little blue and yellow fish

I am 24 years old. Today I did something for the first time in my life. I put air in one of my tires. Now, let's not be crazy it's not that in 8 years none of my cars have needed their tires inflated. It's just that there's always been someone else there who has offered to do it for me. Even a few weeks ago when I thought it was going to be the first time I had to do it by myself, some nice man offered to help me. Tonight there was no benevolent stranger. But I had no trouble doing it all by myself. Some girls would find that incredibly empowering. I hurt my thumb and got black gook all over my hand. I didn't found it empowering. I found it dirty and painful. I found that I don't like it.

Secretly sometimes I wonder why I wasn't born 50 years earlier. I think I would make an excellent stereotypical 1950s suburban American housewife. Sometimes I really desire that. For some reason my life is really far from that. I'm a single girl in a huge city in a time that doesn't seem to really understand that a girl could find the idea of being a wife and a mom incredibly fulfilling. And yet somehow this one thing that I really want, I'm not close to and I really don't know why.

This separation of my real life from that which has always been in my heart has left me floundering lately. I've been wondering if this film thing is something I really want to stick with. I've been thinking about the catering/event planning business Nicole & I have talked about starting. I've been considering going to culinary school.

On the film thing, I'm honestly not sure. That is to say I am sure that I am not a career woman and I have no desire to climb any corporate ladders. But I do love producing, so I'm not sure if those two things can fit together. Though, I know my God is a God who takes things that absolutely do not work together in any human imagining and creates something masterful.

On the event planning thing, I think Nicole & I are seriously going to work on this. Even if it's just a side project for awhile, I think it would be a lot of fun. Ultimately my hope is that we would end up planning major Hollywood parties. The reason for that is, I know God called me out here to affect the lives of those in the film industry. He didn't say it had to be through producing. Maybe this is a better way to do it?

On the culinary school thing, if I find the right program and it becomes a financial possibility, I think I will go. I'm not set on the idea, but I am definitely open to it. We'll see what happens.

"You know the beginning of Moby Dick, when the narrator says that when he finds himself growing grim about the mouth and wanting to knock people's hats off, he takes to the sea?"
When I feel like knocking people's hats off, I come up with ideas. I love ideas. I love formulating exciting plans. The trouble is I never tend to follow through with them. Partly it's because the making of the plans themselves is usually enough to quell my restless spirit, and partly it's because I need someone to keep pushing me. If I do say so myself, I come up with brilliant ideas. I have to wonder what might happen if I actually follow through with some of them. Maybe/hopefully we'll be finding that out soon.

That reminds me, I still have a children's book laying around here that needs published . . .