reverie

I'm sitting here in my pink plaid pajama bottoms, pink tank top with a tiny pink bow on it, and pink glitter painted toenails. Growing up pink was my favorite color. Lately I have been super into it again. There's just something so fun and whimsical about pink. And girly . I think that's why it's recaptured my attention so. It's become very important to me lately to reclaim my girlhood. I like pink and ruffles and bows and lace and princessy things. For so long I've wanted to be seen as the low maintenance girl, the girl who's just as comfortable in heels as a baseball hat, the girl who likes to play pool and poker. I'm still all those things, but I'm also a girl . And so as much as I love poker night and other "guy" things, for now I need to pull myself out of situations where I'm just "one of the guys." I'm not and I don't want to be seen as such. Now I think it's time for a tea party. ;)

I am 24 years old. Today I did something for the first time in my life. I put air in one of my tires. Now, let's not be crazy it's not that in 8 years none of my cars have needed their tires inflated. It's just that there's always been someone else there who has offered to do it for me. Even a few weeks ago when I thought it was going to be the first time I had to do it by myself, some nice man offered to help me. Tonight there was no benevolent stranger. But I had no trouble doing it all by myself. Some girls would find that incredibly empowering. I hurt my thumb and got black gook all over my hand. I didn't found it empowering. I found it dirty and painful. I found that I don't like it. Secretly sometimes I wonder why I wasn't born 50 years earlier. I think I would make an excellent stereotypical 1950s suburban American housewife. Sometimes I really desire that. For some reason my life is really far from that. I'm a single girl in a hug...

For all the melodies and choruses in the world, all the songs ever written, all the music about this earth, there is no greater sound than hearing a small child say your name. I was able to be in Omaha over Labor Day weekend & spend time with my family (except Joe unfortunately) and had the distinct pleasure of hearing my youngest niece utter my name in a way that only she at this age will ever say it. And I am so pleased to report that Ashlee was right when she said a bond like what Jadyn & I had formed was not one that would be forgotten. Knowing that 4 months could pass and not break our bond makes the time between now & Christmas not seem quite so long. Don't get me wrong, I don't love or miss Alaina or Amber or the rest of the family any less. They are all very dear to my heart & I cannot wait to see them again. But Jadyn & I have a connection that I have never had with anyone else on the planet, nor am I likely to unless I have a daughter much lik...

Seems as though I've been a victim (as many of you have also) of the summer blogging lull. This week's been kinda rough. Not for any one specific reason but enough small-ish things have conspired together to weigh heavily on my heart. I've been feeling really alone lately & that's beyond difficult. Raj was out here over the weekend which was fantastic. But he didn't get into the internship/grad program for which he came out to interview. He says he's cool with it. I'm really sad about it. Maybe it's our shared middle child syndrome, maybe it's that we're the closest in age out of the 4 of us, I don't know, but I feel like I have this special connection with him. And even though we have our little tiffs sometimes and we manage to frustrate each other with the stupidest little things, I was really looking forward to having him out here. I know I can be my worst self around him and in a weird way that actually encourages me to be my...

Nothing can quite break your heart like saying goodbye to beautiful children you won't get to see again for 7 months. 7 months! In that time Jadyn will turn 2 and forget everything about this past week. Alaina will probably remember at least some things & more than likely immortalize them in song. My favorites being the "Aunt Azina" song which consists of repeating Aunt Azina over and over again to the tune of the alphabet song and the "my bum hurts" song which similarly repeats the same phrase over and over again but this time to Alaina's stock tune. I love those girls beyond words. (And just so you guys don't think I love you any less, it is sad to say goodbye to the rest of my family, but you guys won't change as much until I see you next and barring any head trauma are not very likely to forget me.) Jadyn & I really bonded this past week. She & I are truly kindred spirits. Every time my sister would make a comment about Jadyn...

Yes, that's right. I said pink sleeping bag. Bubble gum, completely girly, non-camping enthusiast pink. :) Next weekend I'm going on a weekend missions trip to Mexico with my church. I was told yesterday that we would need to bring a sleeping bag to you know sleep in. This presented a problem for me as I did not own one. Not being much of a person to sleep outside or on the ground for any sort of random reason, I had never had the need or desire to own one. So last night I went to Target to buy supplies for the trip. I ventured upstairs toward the camping supplies. (Silly 2-story Target) As I turned down the aisle I was met with 2 glorious things, a pink sleeping bag and a price of 9.99. (It also happened to be the right temperature & size.) I considered whether or not to purchase such a ridiculous thing, but I thought to myself, if I have to buy a sleeping bag I'm going to buy the silliest, girliest, non-camperiest one I can find. And so I did. Last nigh...

I meant to write about my airport adventures last week as I was returning to LA from the holidays, but I apparently forgot to. Two of the things I like the least in this world are flying and talking to people I don't know. They're right up there after needles and spiders. {cringes} So when my plans necessitate hopping aboard an airplane the last thing you'll see me doing is striking up conversation with the person seated next to me. Just doesn't happen. And generally the other people keep to themselves as well. Not so this time around. Four people talked to me. Four! That's completely unheard of in my world. And that's okay, they were all very nice, but it definitely shoved me out of the realm of comfortable silence. The odd thing is I wonder how all those people are doing now. Did the one lady enjoy her trip to Las Vegas where she was meeting up with her sisters? Did the couple from Oklahoma enjoy their time in northern LA county? Has the girl bound for a missi...

I'm in quite a strop right now, but instead of waxing poetic about that which plagues my heart I thought I would distract myself by telling you something quite peculiar about myself. I have the strange ability to remember what outfit I was wearing during certain moments in my life. And I'm not talking about moments that have photos to accompany them. Most of these are completely random moments. Some important, some not so much. Here are a few examples. Last January when I lost my job I was wearing what were at the time my favorite jeans, a light blue & yellow striped polo, my khaki hooded jackety sweatery thing, and white shoes. I was feeling quite preppy and cute. Losing my job kinda ruined that outfit for me. And I remember as I was leaving that day thinking that I would always remember that day and connect it with that outfit which I thought was quite unfortunate since I liked the outfit so much. When I went to see Two Towers on opening night with my mom I was we...

I like day old popcorn. And stale graham crackers. I don't like flat sheets. I like to curl up in my blankets and the top sheet never stays where it is supposed to, so I don't use them. I like the pumpkin tea lights we got at Target the other night. I like that Nicole & I are hosting Thanksgiving at our place this year for friends who don't end up going home. I hope a lot of people come, I'm very excited about it. I don't like when I can't log on to put up new songs, but I do like that tonight that wasn't the case. I like the two songs I added. They happen to be 2 of my favorites ever. Been feeling the Jars of Clay love this week. The first song reminds me riding in the car with my sister on snowy days to high school, probably because it is on the Drummer Boy EP. The second song is just beautiful, sad but beautiful. I don't like Garret, so I sent ninjas to attack him. I'm kidding Garret. I only sent one ninja, if he brought buddies it...

It's not that I haven't thought about posting or wanted to post in the last few days, it's just every time I've sat down to write something the blank screen just stares back at me instead of jumping to life as usual. Since I still can't really think of anything to say I thought I would share a story with you. So I'm about 4 or 5 years old. There is a Peanuts special on. Cartoons airing on a weeknight are like getting free cookies at the grocery store. This one is titled "Snoopy's Getting Married, Charlie Brown." Amber, Raj, and I watch the show downstairs in the family room while mom is doing mom stuff upstairs. The half hour passes and we all return up the stairs. Only there's a problem. I'm bawling. "What did you do to her?" Mom inquires of my siblings. "Nothing," they try to convince her. So she asks me, "What's wrong?" To which I reply in my sad crying child voice, "They didn't get married!...

So for no particular reason I find myself up really late tonight. Well possibly the particular reason is that I fell asleep on the couch from 9-midnight, very exciting Friday night. But I'm okay with that. So now for some randomness from me. Yay! I know you're very excited. :) I was going through my collage folder tonight, finally sorting the various magazine clippings into their main colors. I'm sure you're surprised that I had not done so before now as you probably should be, but collaging is sort of a random thing I do only on occasion so it's not really that odd. Now if it were something that I paid attention to on a regular basis like say my closet, of course it would have been kept in meticulous color order. :) So in going through this folder I found some fun things to stick on our red bulletin board. Yes, we painted the bulletin board red. What do you expect, we painted the fridge, is the bulletin board really so much of a stretch? Although, the bulletin boar...

I want to know that I will not spend All the nights of my life alone For that is the saddest thought to me I want to marry in the church Where I grew up I want the wedding to be a reflection of us And not some crazy fiasco I want to plan for a marriage And not just for a wedding (I think too many people miss this point) I want to be really good friends with his mother My idealism tells me it's possible I want to slow dance in the kitchen When we should be cleaning up I want to quiet giggling children Half an hour after their bedtime I want to sponsor youth group with him And offer the kids a refuge from the rest of life I want to grow old And love his wrinkled face I want to pray with him and sing with him and laugh with him I want to grow with him hold hands with him and cherish him I want to meet him --------------------------------------------- I dream of worlds Where you'd understand And I dream a Million sleepless nights I dream of fire when You're touching my hand But...

I'm trying to remember that all of this stuff doesn't matter, that he can take it all away in an instant if he chooses. I'm trying to remember that my happiness is not because I am in the best job I have ever had, but my joy is in the fact that he placed me there. This is all very new for me - this level of trust & hope & faith. I wish I could sprinkle it over all of you like so much wonderful fairy dust so you could share in all of this amazement but I know the path it takes to arrive here & it is a difficult one that must be travelled sans magic. I always said I would look back on that time in my life, traversing that arduous road, and know how important it was and be able to appreciate that. I'm starting to see it now. And I'm trying to stay tenacious and not become too content to just sit here and enjoy this blessing. I am enjoying it, be assured that I am, but I do not want to become comfortable here. I know that it is all from him and it can all be...

I wanted to write a poem but I can't think straight I was going to post and old one but blogger screwed up the formatting the formatting wasn't that important but I liked it so now you can't read it blame blogger I hate Beverly Hills I had to go there today everyone drove meanly it's the kind of place where all that is good and beautiful goes to die it's a sad place where people try to fill their happiness with $5000 shoes and $300 tshirts if only they knew the girl in the old blue Neon that hasn't had a car wash in a year (whom they look down upon because her entire outfit cost less than their ugly little dog's collar) has found something they could never buy and is greater than anything they'd ever find on Rodeo Drive I don't mean to be cheesy I hate cheese, in writing on Dharma and Greg once they played a game called cheese you had to go through and name cheeses the first person who couldn't come up with one would lose I always thought that w...