reverie

I am 24 years old. Today I did something for the first time in my life. I put air in one of my tires. Now, let's not be crazy it's not that in 8 years none of my cars have needed their tires inflated. It's just that there's always been someone else there who has offered to do it for me. Even a few weeks ago when I thought it was going to be the first time I had to do it by myself, some nice man offered to help me. Tonight there was no benevolent stranger. But I had no trouble doing it all by myself. Some girls would find that incredibly empowering. I hurt my thumb and got black gook all over my hand. I didn't found it empowering. I found it dirty and painful. I found that I don't like it. Secretly sometimes I wonder why I wasn't born 50 years earlier. I think I would make an excellent stereotypical 1950s suburban American housewife. Sometimes I really desire that. For some reason my life is really far from that. I'm a single girl in a hug...

Thank you Shauna & Jessica for your comments. And thanks to everyone who is there for me either with encouraging words or in person. Things are going better now. A dear person in my life offered to take me out for coffee last night & we just sat & talked. Unless he reads this (which I don't know) he didn't even know that's all I really needed. He just saw a friend hurting & wanted to help. And even though the conversation was good, it was just that gesture of wanting to help & being there that made so much difference to me. I didn't need to cry anymore, but he did buy the coffee & listen & give me a hug afterward. It's hard to see sometimes. Life can get so hazy & frustrating, but I am really blessed.

I need a change. I need something profoundly good and surprising to happen in my life. It seems regardless of my circumstances, the end results are always predictable. I want to be wrong. I want to be so wrong. I can't explain specifically what I mean. Or rather I won't right now. All I can tell you is that I'm feelin' so stir crazy right now- emotionally, mentally, physically, locationally. I wanted nothing more today than to go to Starbucks with my mom. I just wanted to talk to her & maybe cry a little & get a hug. I didn't even call her. I didn't want to pour out my heart & at the end have no one to hug me. Or buy me coffee. ;) How can this be? How can it happen that after over 2 years in this city & after having built up an amazing community of friends I can still feel so alone, like I have no one here I could talk to?