reverie

Today isn't sitting well with me. And that's strange because it wasn't a bad day. In fact on paper it would look like a great day. I had normal Saturday breakfast with the girls where we made chocolate chip pancakes and talked about boys. Or rather the other girls talked about boys, I was rather untalkative today. Then a quick trip to Target with Nicole where I bought a few of my favorite things: Care Bear bandaids, the new issue of Real Simple, and Diet Coke plus (that's Diet Coke with vitamins!). After we came home I ate cereal for lunch while watching my Red Sox beat the Yankees. :) Then I cooked sweet corn cake and pbj cheesecake bars (which I made up for a recipe contest & they're fabulous btw). And tonight was spent at a friend's house. Admittedly I was not in a social enough mood to be there, but I spent most of the evening playing with a tiny puppy so it was okay in that respect. And somehow I am sitting here at the end of a theoretically ...

It was a cold Sunday afternoon. I was 14 years old & I was home alone. It was a fairly typical wintry day in the midwest . Until the phone rang. It was one of my aunts; she wanted to speak to my mom. I could tell something was wrong and when I informed her that Mom was not home she left the hardest message I've ever had to relay to anyone. My great grandma had passed away. This was in the days well before cell phones were prevalent, so I laid down on my bed alone & in the dark & cried as I waited for my mom to return home. It felt like forever. My great grandma had been sick of and on for quite awhile and at 97 the news of her passing was not shocking, but it was still very sad. And my heart was quite heavy with the burden of having to be the one to tell my mom that her grandma had passed away. The whole thing hit me harder than I expected, I think perhaps because I never knew my other grandmas. (This next part may seem superfluous, but to me it is an integ...

I need a change. I need something profoundly good and surprising to happen in my life. It seems regardless of my circumstances, the end results are always predictable. I want to be wrong. I want to be so wrong. I can't explain specifically what I mean. Or rather I won't right now. All I can tell you is that I'm feelin' so stir crazy right now- emotionally, mentally, physically, locationally. I wanted nothing more today than to go to Starbucks with my mom. I just wanted to talk to her & maybe cry a little & get a hug. I didn't even call her. I didn't want to pour out my heart & at the end have no one to hug me. Or buy me coffee. ;) How can this be? How can it happen that after over 2 years in this city & after having built up an amazing community of friends I can still feel so alone, like I have no one here I could talk to?

Seems as though I've been a victim (as many of you have also) of the summer blogging lull. This week's been kinda rough. Not for any one specific reason but enough small-ish things have conspired together to weigh heavily on my heart. I've been feeling really alone lately & that's beyond difficult. Raj was out here over the weekend which was fantastic. But he didn't get into the internship/grad program for which he came out to interview. He says he's cool with it. I'm really sad about it. Maybe it's our shared middle child syndrome, maybe it's that we're the closest in age out of the 4 of us, I don't know, but I feel like I have this special connection with him. And even though we have our little tiffs sometimes and we manage to frustrate each other with the stupidest little things, I was really looking forward to having him out here. I know I can be my worst self around him and in a weird way that actually encourages me to be my...

I got a call this afternoon from my dad that my Uncle OP (from India) had passed away last night. He is survived by his wife and two sons. I would appreciate it if you would keep the family in your prayers.

Nothing can quite break your heart like saying goodbye to beautiful children you won't get to see again for 7 months. 7 months! In that time Jadyn will turn 2 and forget everything about this past week. Alaina will probably remember at least some things & more than likely immortalize them in song. My favorites being the "Aunt Azina" song which consists of repeating Aunt Azina over and over again to the tune of the alphabet song and the "my bum hurts" song which similarly repeats the same phrase over and over again but this time to Alaina's stock tune. I love those girls beyond words. (And just so you guys don't think I love you any less, it is sad to say goodbye to the rest of my family, but you guys won't change as much until I see you next and barring any head trauma are not very likely to forget me.) Jadyn & I really bonded this past week. She & I are truly kindred spirits. Every time my sister would make a comment about Jadyn...

God whispers in our pleasure and shouts in our pain. God whispers in our pleasure and shouts in our pain. God whispers in our pleasure and shouts in our pain. Church was amazing yesterday. I was mad at a friend and angry/frustrated with God. And we sang one of my favorite songs & a song I definitely needed to hear- words below. And then the sermon was great. And through it all I just heard God saying, hey I'm here & I haven't forgotten about you & I love you so much. And oh how I felt it. And then the cafe last night was great, I laughed a lot. Break through, break through all my doubt Break through, break though all my fear Break though that I may worship you Break through, break through all my pain Break though all my guilt & my shame Break though like only you can do You are brighter than my darkest night Stronger than my toughest fight Just one touch from you my king my friend And I'll never be the same again God is amazing. :)

I am still waiting for the day when I am surprised by life in an intensely good way. Okay, well that's not completely true, I have had many wonderful blessings that have taken me completely off guard, but there is one that I am still waiting for. And every time I hope that this time might be different . . . well it's just not. Anyway onto a completely different subject that's happy & not annoying, I just found out tonight that there is a canal in Venice, CA! I have been to Venice a hundred times, how did I not know this?!? Go here to see how cute. It's not as beautiful as the real Venice of course, but it's still pretty cool to know that such a thing exists in my city. Sometimes LA is fun because there are still things to discover about it after 2 years.

It's snowing in Omaha today. And here it will almost reach 90. I'm wearing flip flops right now and I'm not one of these people who wear sandals regardless of the weather. I believe in utilizing proper footwear. It's the middle of November. How terribly sad. I liked it better on Saturday night when it was freezing as we left Mike's house. Where did that weather go? I hope it finds it's way back here quickly. I'm not in the greatest mood today. Tuesdays seem to have the uncanny ability to suck all day long, probably in an effort to balance out the goodness of Taco Night and Gilmore Girls. Stupid balance.

I can feel the rain it will be here soon riding in on the coattails of a fall that took almost too long to arrive it matches my mood today a sort of grey and melancholy a thousand little things beyond my control have conspired to wreak havoc upon my life I assure you I will get through it and before too much time is allowed to pass all will be right again but tonight I will sit and wait for the rain to come and cleanse all that has marred this day Among a myriad of other things that happened today, the display on my cell phone went out, which is mostly just an annoyance. Except now I realized it's even more obtrusive as I use my cell phone as an alarm, but since I have no way of ensuring that I have actually set the correct time I will be forced to use an actual alarm clock whose grating sound I loathe. Bah. While today did mark the glorious advent of a new season of Gilmore Girls and it was Taco Tuesday, overall it was not the delightful day I had envisioned. And now I just want t...

There used to be a time when I was so alright with being alone. I spent countless evenings & weekends enjoying the company of only me and that was enough. And now that I've "grown" and changed and come out of my shell a bit, all things that I was led to believe would make my life better, now is when I'm miserable. That doesn't really seem like progress to me. Here I am sitting alone in my house for the third night in a row. And sure it's the middle of the week, and most people don't necessarily hang out during the week, except I've grown accustom to a life that differs from that of "most people." Wednesdays I used to have small group, but someone decided to not have it during the summer. And so I sit here & I don't like it. Were it not for my interview today and going to the grocery store I would not have seen anyone today. That is magnificently sad to me. And I fear tomorrow will bring the same. No, I know that it will . . . :...