reverie

I've been in bed between 9:30 and 10:30 every night this week and it's been quite nice. Perhaps I'm too stocked up on sleep at this point because my brain & body are simply refusing to settle down for the evening. :P A million things have been going on this week. I've taken risks, been shaken from my comfort zone, been stretched to limits of compassion that are well beyond my own capacity, and been excited to expand my ideas about God & theology. I think at this point it's all sort of catching up to me and my brain is working overtime to process it all. Maybe blogging will help sort some of these things out... First, I could use prayer. God is stretching me in a way that is exciting & great & TIRING right now. Hope & joy & patience & faith & confidence in Him are amazing and renewing but at times exhausting. I don't have it within my own capacity to remember to be hopeful, joyful, patient, faithful, or confident enough an...

I have been mulling over a new year's post for a couple of weeks or more now, but for whatever reason I just could not get thoughts to flow from my head to my keyboard in any sort of useful manner. Perhaps it has a lot to do with how I cannot wrap my mind around the fact that 2009 is already upon us. And while it still seems that 2008 was MUCH shorter than 366 days, church yesterday really helped me to put some things into perspective for this new year and so I will share those thoughts with you. :) I was blessed to share the remaining week of 2008 with one of my favorite people on the planet--my dear friend Shauna. It was quite a wonderful week filled with snowboarding, hiking, Gilmore Girls, karaoke (I even sang!), lots of coffee and delightful conversation. But as with all good things, her visit had to come to an end yesterday morning. I was feeling kind of bummed as I drove away from the airport mostly as the West Coast and Tennessee are simply too far apart and partly as...

I think I may be turning into some sort of desert creature. I crave heat lately in a way that is unnatural--I am certain I'm not sick & I have the thermostat in my apartment set to 82 right now AND I'm under a blanket. Unholy, I know. Plus over the past couple days anytime I drank more than about 6 ounces of any fluid in one sitting I started feeling a little bleh. If I start growing scales or something I'll be sure to see a doctor. ;) I was in Pasadena last night and instead of driving straight home I decided to scope out some of the neighborhood Christmas decorations. And what to my wondering eyes should appear? This year's best Christmas inflatable. It doesn't beat the giant snowman with a snowglobe base from last year, but still it's rather amusing. Behold the ridiculously large inflatable nativity! Haha I love this stuff. Giant inflatable holiday lawn decorations were simultaneously the best and worst invention--they crack me up with their ri...

Last night as I was leaving the grocery store I met a homeless man named David. Honestly I had intended to hand him a few bucks, say "God bless you" & walk away. Not that giving isn't good or sufficient, but God had a bit more planned this time. In our brief conversation David said 3 things that really struck me. 1. He was moved to tears telling me of the sleeping bag someone had recently given him. (Wow! To think if we were all that generous! A fairly small gesture on one man's part was a gift worth crying over for David. The thing that amazes me is that meeting a need so often taxes our comfort zone more than our wallets. If we could approach the world more often that way, going beyond ourselves to meet a real need, imagine how God could bless people through us.) 2. In nearly the same breath David asked why Jesus didn't love him anymore. I told him that Jesus still loved him; He brought someone into David's life to give him that sleeping bag. An...

I've taken to praying in the car, particularly while I drive to work, but at other times too. It (sort of) helps with frustration toward individuals whose IQ's may be slightly lower than what should be required for operating a motor vehicle. And more importantly it gives me a dedicated half hour to spend with God every morning. The other day while driving to work I was thinking about time from my perspective and how sometimes it can seem like time is running out for God to do the things I hope He's going to do in my life. And then I got a gentle reminder of Creation. God created the world in 6 days: plants, animals, oceans, land, sky, stars, people. If He can do that, what makes me think He could ever run out of time to work in my life? Every day is a movement toward whatever He's planning. Even if I can't see the movement day to day, I can trust He's at work. And who knows? In 6 days my life may look completely different. Our lives aren't static; ...

what was frozen through is newly purposed turning all things green so it is with You and how You make me new with every season's change and so it will be as You are recreating me I have had what can only be described as an intense day--in mostly good ways, but definitely a lot to take in. I started the morning by popping in one of my favorite cds--Nichole Nordeman's "This Mystery." The album just uplifts me & I love singing along to it. The title of this post and the italicized bits that follow are from her song "Every Season" and it describes rather accurately how I've been feeling lately--more on that in a second. As I was driving to church tonight the last song on this cd came on. I've heard it a million times and while it's a touching song about the crucifixion for the first time tonight it moved me to tears from the center of my soul. It was somewhat stunning, but they weren't tears of sorrow or frustration, they were tears of ...

Tonight Nicole & I decorated the apartment for Christmas. I think this is the latest we've ever done it, but between me being in Palm Desert half of Thanksgiving weekend and sickness for both of us we just really haven't had the chance. While decorating we also listened to Christmas music, of course! Some really great new Christmas cds have come out this year, but by far my favorite is Dustin Kensrue's This Good Night Is Still Everywhere. Dustin Kensrue is the lead singer of Thrice and he put out a solo album in 2007 (Please Come Home-- sooo good). I don't know that I've mentioned him here before so it may surprise you to find out that my love for his music and a lot of Thrice's tops my love for 30 Seconds to Mars. It's shocking I know, but Dustin Kensrue sings to my heart & soul in a way that few artists do. His solo stuff is very folky , moreso than I tend to go for, but like I said it resonates with my soul. And the title track off h...

First of all, thank you SO much to all of you who have visited The Daybreak Project . The support & prayers I've received from many of you for it really mean a lot. We're now up to 3 names! :) The growth is somewhat slow, but I'm excited for the things God is doing and will do through it. This weekend I wrote a new post for the blog over there and will aim to post something new at least semi-regularly. I've been on somewhat of a Spaghettios kick lately. By that I mean I've had 3 cans for various meals this week whereas before this week I can't remember the last time I had Spaghettios. They're highly underrated & very cheap at Target (half of what they cost at Ralph's). Now that I mention it, Ralph's is a funny name for a grocery store, right? Anyway, this recent Spaghettios resurgence in my life reminded me of a specific childhood lunch. I was sitting at the kitchen table when I came across something hard from my bowl of Spaghettios...

The amount of sinus congestion trying to squish my brain out my ears coupled with the fact that I just took Target brand cold & sinus nighttime medication with antihistamines which will probably be knocking me out any time in the next 3-5 minutes may result in this post not making any sense. And yet I still felt the desire to post something this evening. I hope you all had lovely Thanksgivings. Mine was fairly relaxed. I got frustrated with people who got a little cranky when the turkey wasn't done as quickly as expected--it gets done when it gets done! But that wasn't too bad. The only truly horrible part of the day was trying to get the turkey innards from the turkey and into the garbage. Nicole's office gives away free turkeys every year, which is very kind of them, however they buy slightly cheaper turkeys than I would have sprung for. Still free is free & you can't complain, that is until you stuff your arm elbow-length into a cold bird carcass expec...

Yes. A building can't jump at all. haha have I mentioned that I love stupid jokes? Thanksgiving has snuck up on me this year. I sort of saw it coming & sort of didn't. I mean I always knew it was there, but I didn't really think much about it. This marks Nicole's & my 4 th year hosting the holiday so a lot of things nearly plan themselves & those that didn't got ignored for awhile. Early on I pared down my cooking list as much as possible, having recently realized that it's okay to let someone else make the biscuits even if they're not what I'd make. It's even okay if the cranberry sauce is from a can as no one seems to eat it anyway. It's okay if when I go to Ralph's on Tuesday night, at nearly the last minute, they don't have 2/3 rds of the items I need to make pumpkin pie so I buy one premade rather than playing Greater LA Metro area grocery store scavenger hunt. It's okay and probably even good if Martha St...

I am pretty impressed with myself that I have taken on a project and been really dedicated to bringing it about--not to toot my own horn. Sometimes I get easily excited about a new project in the beginning stages & start to dive into it until life or something else gets in the way. So I'm proud of myself and pleased that tonight I published The Daybreak Project website . Right now it's mostly a lot of reading, but I suppose that's necessary for people to know what it is. If any of you faithful & beloved blog readers have any feedback I'd really appreciate it. As I've been thinking about it over the weekend, I feel this is a ministry that God has been growing in me since college and I'm really excited to be working on this. Marriage is something I'm deeply passionate about. With the exception of those with a specific call toward celibacy, men & women were designed for marriage, a design our culture tends to get in the way of a lot, which I f...

Last week a friend brought up the story of Jacob wrestling with God and how Jacob said, "I will not let you go unless you bless me." She said, don't let go, don't give up until you receive your blessing. Jacob wrestled til daybreak. I think that's metaphorically significant--the night will end, the sun will rise, and God will bless you, just hang on long enough for it. (Genesis 32:22-32) I've been struggling with God lately. Strangely I feel my faith is at a strong point, but so is my frustration. And I realized this afternoon that I'm not just frustrated for myself, but I'm frustrated that there are several women I know whose hearts ache in the exact same way that mine does. We long to be married; we feel called to it; we hope for it; we dream of it. The thing that's most difficult about it is that most if not all of the women who come to mind right now are amazing women of God and all of them are strong & beautiful & fun people. A...

This has been cracking me up lately. Mind your volume; the sound quality isn't great. The song is originally from It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, but I think the random humor stands on its own & in fact I did not really begin to appreciate the song until I heard this cover by Of Montreal. I have an mp3 of it that's better quality, so if anyone finds it as amusing as I do let me know & I'd be happy to share the love. -------------------------------------- In Ben Hur there's a scene where the titular character is a slave on a Roman ship & he's referred to by his slave number, 41. For some reason the way one of the Roman dudes shouts out 41! has stuck with me since I first saw the film. It came to mind today as I thought, 41 days til Shauna comes to visit! Shauna has been mentioned several times here. She is in fact the one who got me started in this whole crazy world of blogging--you can visit her blog with the link over there on the right. ...

Sunday nights are my least favorite as they mean Monday is once again right around the corner. But instead of having a bad attitude about Monday I thought I'd reflect on a few good things from the weekend. Cheesy movies--I watched Made of Honor and Center Stage 2 this weekend. Both are about as good as they look, which means they can't really be categorized as good in any cinematic sense, but they are both amusing & were good for a little weekend escapism. Sometimes it's good not to be a movie snob, one of my favorite movie going experiences was to a film I had little desire to see, but the company was worth it and it ended up being a really fun experience. Pumpkin pie--I bought one at Ralph's tonight. I haven't really been excited enough about fall (nor has fall really existed much) to do any pumpkin baking yet this year, so store bought pumpkin goods are a happy substitute. 2:15--I finished cooking for cafe tonight in a record 2 hours and 15 minutes! This...

I had a revelation tonight. One that would have been fantastically more helpful a year ago or even 6 months ago. Not that it isn't useful now, just would have been more immediately applicable then & who knows what might be different. But for whatever reason it didn't come til now and I have to trust in God's perfect timing and trust that when the chance does come to apply it even if it's not the chance I want right now, that I will remember well what has been uncovered in my mind. I have a deep misunderstanding of the hows and whys of this world and of my God. The world is broken so I get that things aren't often as they should be. And when it comes to God I guess if I really got Him then he wouldn't be God. Sometimes though it'd be nice if things were a smidge easier. I can only hope that looking back on this and how it will shape the future course of my life that I will be able to say that it was well worth it.

red-kissed leaves fluttering about in the autumn breeze branches bow giving sight of the rain in the distance bathing the mountains change has claimed its place waiting once again nearly too long

don't be alarmed when the wound begins to bleed cause we're so scared to find out what this life's all about so scared we're going to lose it not knowing all along that's exactly what we need I got halfway to church tonight before I turned around and came home. Tears were too close to the surface & even though that's the one place I should feel safe to just let it out, I do not. And a part of me knows that I should have gone & not cared at all about being a crying mess in front of friends & strangers, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Life is at an extremely difficult point right now. I made a decision this week that was necessary but very tough. Even for all the difficult times I faced over the past year, this is currently the hardest part. I only pray that it does not get any more difficult because in truth I do not know how much more I can withstand. I know that God does not give us more than we can handle, but the past wee...

As the potential for rain was too high for my liking for hiking on Saturday, my friend Jodi & I instead ended up walking the path by the beach away from which she lives about a block. On our walk we saw a paddle boarder, scuba divers making their way back to land, and a guy (who knew what he was doing) throwing a boomerang. It was all very out of the ordinary for my expectations of California beaches, so it was very cool. And yesterday at The Americana which is the Grove's somewhat inferior cousin, we saw them putting up the Christmas tree. This would be one of those trees that's about 2700 feet tall. The interesting thing about these giant Christmas trees that most people don't know is that they don't come as full and pretty as they are when you see them at Christmastime. Many extra branches are somehow installed to give the tree that perfect, full Christmas tree shape. There were hundreds of branches laying all about the ground yesterday just waiting to take...

So I finally went through and uploaded a bunch of photos from the past 6+ months that for whatever reason never made it onto my computer & I thought I would share a few with all of you lovely people! Sunset in Auburn, CA The Burger King "walk-thru" apparently. What I most love about this though is that he's walking a dog. Things like this are why I try to always have a camera on me. In Coronado. This pelican outsmarted these guys. They dropped the net they were trying to catch or shoe him away with. It was hilarious. Coronado is a great place except for the horrible bridge you have to drive over to get there . . . I still want to puke thinking about it. Somewhere in Korea Town. This squirrel watched me for several minutes on my lunch break one day. Calabasas Pumpkin Festival (We didn't buy any pumpkins, just took photos with them. haha) Halloween with my friend Dan dressed as a "douche bag," wearing the most hideous hat ever. (Would be just as hideous...

I must say there is a (somewhat larger than I'd like to admit) part of me that wants to say haha Rays, you lost! And in truth I'm glad they did. I feel like those punks need to be taught a lesson. A part of me feels bad b/c I know that they had a dream within their grasp, they accomplished something huge in winning the AL East and the ALCS, but I really can't muster that much sympathy for them--a tiny amount but that's it. I'm glad the Phillies won, but only because they're not the Rays. Sadly now though it means baseball is completely over for the season. Still I find myself checking the Red Sox website everyday to see what exciting things might happen in the off season. I'm also checking the Yankees site because I'm dying to know where Manny will end up. I hope the Dodgers will keep him; I think his brand of oddness is best suited for LA. Plus it would be devastating for the Yanks to have his bat. Although, I think they're smart enough no...